Early in the morning on my birthday three Mondays ago, my friend Carolyn sang me the birthday song on my iPhone. I heard her warble the notes to “Happy Birthday to Yooooo” with heart and soul. As always, the notes struck a chord with me. We have exchanged the familiar tune—hers in February and mine in July over the phone for decades now. But this year her rendition was especially poignant. “Why?” you ask.
You see, the recording I heard was not a fresh one. It was not recent. Carolyn did not actually sing the song to me this year. What I heard on July 24, 2023 was her voice mail, recorded because I didn’t pick up the phone when she called last year (2022) on my special day. Regrettably, she passed away in April of this year, and so I plan to keep her song on my iPhone for a long, long time as a remembrance: “She being dead yet speaketh!”
Carolyn Phanstiel has always been a giver of gifts both tangible and intangible. Back in the 1980s, I valued her mentorship as a beginning college teacher. She opened her files to help me, a fledgling college prof, with syllabi and other handouts to adapt for my composition and literature courses. She had a wide range of abilities, both serious and humorous. Part of the unofficial “Birthday Club” among professors in our department, she told us all, “Never miss a party!”
At her funeral, a reed basket held seashells like the one above. She had hand-picked these as she strolled the sands of Fernandina Beach near her home early in the morning for years. The attendants at her celebration of life urged us to take more than one: there were dozens and dozens of shells to choose from, prickly and smooth.
Carolyn Phanstiel 1938-2023
The reverse side of this laminated photo holds the words to the oft-quoted Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi: “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, / Where there is hatred, let us sow love, / Where there is injury, pardon, / Where there is discord, union, / Where there is doubt, faith, where there is despair, hope, . . .
***
Late in July, Carolyn’s daughter Cheryl and her son Otto, Jr. held a reception for family and friends in her honor. The invitation opened the doors at the Phanstiel home for us to gather once more and to find a memento, a personal treasure, to take with us as a “Carolyn” keepsake.
Daughter Cheryl and son Otto, hosts of their mother’s farewell party, at their childhood home, July 27, 2023
The Phanstiel homestead on South Fletcher Avenue, Fernandina Beach, Florida. Prof. friend Pat Ellis smiling on the walkway. Husband Cliff at the patio door upstairs.
Carolyn was an avid reader, as evidenced by a section of her bookshelf. She loved sunflowers, shown below in their golden glory.
Her children made posters of her special sayings, all with her smiling face. She was present everywhere at this party!
Cactus, 7-8 feet tall, the progenitor of many “plant-lets”
Cactus plants in my lanai, her living contribution
Her last words to me before the final “I Love you,” were these: “Marian, did you know that Hello and Goodbye are the same word in Hawaiian?”
Ever the teacher, she was still instructing me: “No, I didn’t, but I know now.”
***
A crafty Pippi Longstocking, a memento from Carolyn’s shelf
Carolyn has been a feature of my blog before. Last January, I wrote about her annual gift of words at Christmastime. You can read it again here.
My friend and I had similar interests, the obvious one, a love of literature. And so I leave you with this quote from Percy Bysshe Shelley, one I shared with Cheryl and Otto just days after they lost their mother:
From the Greek of Plato
Thou wert the morning star among the living,
Ere thy fair light had fled;—
Now, having died, thou art as Hesperus, giving
New splendour to the dead.
Do you have a memento of a loved you have held onto, perhaps even a recorded message, like mine?
What special gift from a loved one have you kept?
Display at Carolyn’s house on evening of the party
Good morning, Marian. What a lovely, poignant tribute to your friend. I’m sure you must miss her. 💙
Yes, I do. A seashell lying on an end table brings back pleasant memories, Merril. Thank you!
You’re very welcome, Marian. 💙
Oh Marian!!! A beautiful tribute to a lovely friend!!! So glad she was in your life. I’m sure she treasured what you brought to her life too.
She had a host of friends. Each of them brought something special to her life. Thanks, L. Marie ! 😀
What a glorious albeit tinged with sadness memory Carolyn has left you ..you were meant to not pick up the phone as you had done every other year,.,a true gift to treasure you are so lucky, Marian x
Yes, glad I didn’t pick up the phone, Carol. For some reason, she made the call a day before my actual birthday, so I wasn’t expecting the usual call.
It was meant to be then, Marian sometimes things happen for a reason 🙂
😀
Lovely tribute to your beautiful friend, Marian. Losing a longtime friend leaves a painful void. Having those cherished memories is a blessing. xo
You said it perfectly, Jill. Thank you! 😀
So beautifully sad Marian. She sounds like a diamond, or a pearl or just simply, a priceless treasure. Even her name is special- Caro.
Belated happy July birthday!
Yes, in several languages, “caro” is the root word for dear. Thanks for thinking of that connection, Susan. 😀
I never had a recorded message from Mom that I know of but for a long time, I had a recorded message on my phone from the day my dad died, when my sister called me in the middle of a church service to let me know the news. I kept that one for a long time, probably until I changed phones, so I hope you can hang on to your friend’s birthday wish for you. A poignant treasure for sure. The voices speak to us by various means. 🙂
Yes, familiar “voices speak to us” even though death stills their sound. Thanks for pointing that out, Melodie. 😀
A lovely tribute to a longtime friend. I too have a keepsake from my best friend of over 50 years. It’s a tiny teapot with a Parisian cafe painted on it that was given when my friend Marian moved from her longtime home and wanted to downsize. I keep it where I can see it every day. Thank God for true friends.
Oh, my goodness, Collie. I can picture that tiny teapot, enameled I think. It has found a wonderful home for the seven years since we moved. I’m glad you still cherish it, my friend! 😀
What a friend to have in your life Marian. I am so sorry for your loss. I love that you have her voice and message recorded. I absolutely love the story of the shells on her casket and for those who were there, to please select one and take it as a memory for her. That is brilliant. And then to open her home to those close with her and offer her belongings! Clearly, she has a wonderful family. Thanks for such a touching post. ♥
Carolyn’s children carry many of her qualities as you can tell. Otherwise, we would not have been invited for a “Farewell Party” for family and friends three months later. Thanks for the sweet sentiment, Melanie. 😀
🙂
Marian — Such a lovely tribute for your dear friend, Carolyn.
Thank you, Laurie! 😀
What a beautiful tribute to your kindred spirit. I’m sorry for your loss. I kept a nightgown from my friend and grandmother so I can wear them and “get a hug”. I wear my other grandma’s wedding rings. And I bake with their rolling pins (just not pie so much).
I’m not surprised you have kept mementos of your grandmother, whom it appears was also a “friend.” Memories of love ones live on in objects we keep. One grandchild has dibs on one of my water pitchers, a blue velvet chair, and probably the oak dining room table.
Thanks for checking in, Jenn! 😀
What a beautiful tribute to your friend Carolyn, Marian! Her friendship and that voicemail are indeed treasures. For a couple of years I have had two voicemails on my phone from my aunts, both deceased now. I am so glad I didn’t answer the phone and that I kept their messages. I love to hear their voices today.
How wonderful. You have given two more good reasons not to answer the phone right away–ha!
Thanks, Lorrie! 😀
Thank you Marian for this sweet tribute to our Mom. She affected so many lives in a positive manner and we miss her daily. Oceans of Love, Otto
Thank you for stopping by, Otto. I’m happy to notice that you have adopted the “Oceans of Love” signature from your Mom. 😀
I have a largish granite and quartz rock [about 25 pounds] on my front porch, from my dad. He retrieved it in the mid-50s from Death Valley in California, and it stayed on the front porch of his house ever since I can remember. Around 1995 it came to live with me, and has seen many moves now. Ah, the stories it could tell!
Ginger, what a story! That rock is a great metaphor for stability and for the family stories across generations. Granite and quartz are enduring, much like the rock-solid foundation you’ve come from. Now I wonder where it will travel next.
Thanks for sharing! 😀
What a lovely tribute to a dear friend, Marian! My friend kept her husband’s voice on her phone for a long time after he died. Whenever I called, his voice came on the answering machine! Hardy and I have the habit of calling our children and grandchilldren on their birthdays and singing the Happy Birthday song to them, and they do it back to us. It has become a family tradition!
That is a lovely family tradition, Elfrieda. Thank you! I imagine other families do that too.
My sister’s birthday is on Friday and I’ll sing the birthday song to her; I know she’s expecting it. I heard my brother’s voice on the phone for awhile, and then (I thought) it disappeared. Just now I checked my phone and there is a category for “deleted messages” so I checked and lo, and behold, I heard his voice in 2018 just before he died, He asked me to call back but not possible. Yet, I do have the assurance of seeing him in heaven one day. 😀
How wonderful that you have that recording, the seashell and the Pipi Longstocking. I look around my home and office and see mementos of those who have passed on. A picture of my friend Linda and I taken 20 years ago, 2 years before she left us (at only 56). a horseshoe from my dad’s ranch, his bolo tie, a tea cup that was my mom’s. my brother’s graduation picture. We need these things to keep our loved ones close. ❤️
Of all the items listed, the one I think I remember is the horseshoe from your Dad’s farm. I definitely agree: We need these mementos to keep our loved ones close, Darlene!
By the way, I just ordered your “Prairie” memoir in paperback form. It should come in a few days. 😀
Thanks for ordering my book, reading it and posting such a lovely review. I’m so pleased you enjoyed it.
Marian, I forgot to add this to my comment. When one of my former professors passed away the family had a table full of his books that people could choose to take with them. I thought that was a lovely idea. Most of them were gone before I got to them, but I got a book about Russian/ Ukrainian history and found it fascinating. A lot of questions were answered for me about the country of my birth.
Elfrieda, I believe you got the perfect book from your professor’s stash. I know how much you value your heritage and keeping family connections alive. Your blog is a shining example of that. Thanks again for adding to the conversation today. 😀
Oh Marian, what a beautiful tribute. I’m humbled to be included. Carolyn was such a special life-long friend to so many. I miss her terribly as I Know you do. The treasure I took from her party that day was a book that I feel she is still speaking to us. It’s The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav. It’s touted to be ” A Remarkable Treatment of Thought, Evolution, and Reincarnation.”
Happy to see you here, Pat. I read Seat of the Soul because Carolyn recommended it. I wonder if she lent me the very book that is now your keepsake. We both have precious memories to remind us of our remarkable friend, whom we will see in heaven some day.
Thanks for adding to the conversation here! 😀
I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. Please accept my condolences. I was so touched by the way you and her family celebrated her life. She must have been a remarkable woman. As for keepsakes, the majority of my mother’s possessions have been in our guestroom since she died in 2019. I can’t bear to even go through them for keepsakes. I was the one who fished her beat-up pig cutting board out of the trash and took it home with me to display in my kitchen.
Charged with taking care of both Mother’s and Aunt Ruthie’s estates, we sisters had to dispatch with the houses and possessions for both at a distance, all of us taking special mementos over time.
I hear the “catch” in your voice as you write this. It IS hard to curate a loved ones’ things. Perhaps you and another close relative can approach the guest-room together. I’m happy to hear you have your mom’s “Pig” cutting board in the kitchen, an item you’d see every day. Thanks for sharing your heart, Liz, and thanks for the condolences. 😀
I know you miss one of your best friends and colleagues of many years. You both challenged each other in education and in life. It indeed is interesting that your collaborative writings “Rheems and Queens” became the beginning seed of your first memoir, Mennonite Daughter – The Story of a Plain Girl. Your kindness reaches your friends all across this globe. Blessings!
Your kind words read like a benediction to this post. You, my dear, have observed the long sweep of both my personal and professional journey with Carolyn. Thank you for cheering me on all along the way! 😀
Beautiful tribute to your special friend, Marian. As some of my role models have passed, I remind myself the best way I can honor them is to live my life in the kind and generous way that they showed me through their actions.
Pete, from my vantage point as a regular blog reader, you are succeeding at that royally. And now you are serving as a beacon of light for others. Thanks for joining in the celebration here! 😀
My condolences about your friend. I’m sorry for your loss, but pleased to read about such a vivacious woman. I often think that the best way to honor someone is to remember them as I do small things in life, knowing that they showed me the way to be better.
Ally, you nailed it! Carolyn and I were kindred spirits. She was like a beacon of light beginning in my late forties. Yes, it’s the small things that count because they add up to something BIG! 😀
Marian, this was a lovely tribute to your friend and friendship. I’m sorry for your loss. And you’re preaching to the choir here – I do have a few recordings of my beloved husband, but I cannot even think of listening to. Thanks for asking. <3
Oh, my, Debby. As I see it, you have a Catch-22 situation: your husband’s recording available vs. not ready yet to listen to it. The good news, you have the recordings, and no one is insisting that you listen to any of them ever. Still, they exist–you have the option if/when you are ready. Huge Hugs, dear friend. ((( )))
Absolutely Marian. I will always have them, but not sure if I’ll ever listen. Thanks my friend. 🙂 <3
HI Marian, Outlook put the notification of this post into my junk mail for some weird reason this week. This is a poignant post and I am sure that birthday song was heard with very mixed emotions by you. I also love sunflowers and many of the things Carolyn loved. I am sure she is sorely missed.
Robbie, you get extra points for digging this post out of the trash heap. We get so much mail, it’s understandable that some would get waylaid. I’m glad you enjoyed this tribute! 😀
Marian, your post is a precious and moving tribute to your very special friend. In the midst of sadness her joy of life shines through, her caring fun nature at the forefront. The photos with her sayings are inspired, even though gone, with you all, her wit ever present. Bless you for sharing with us, showing us true friendship, the richness it brings to life. The beginning of your post is poignant – what a special reminder of your friend for your birthdays. Every birthday or Christmas I would receive hand-crocheted tablecloths, as did many of my cousins. While many were unimpressed with these as young, I always treasured the gifts and even more so since my grandmother is longer with us.
Thank you, Annika. I can tell you value your forebears enough to cherish their gifts even though they may seem a tad old-fashioned or out of date. An aunt gave me a yellow and white crocheted doily and said, “It’s something to remember me by.”
I’m glad you enjoyed this tribute and took the time to tell me why, very much appreciated! 😀
I treasure them very much indeed and after working for a few years in my 20s I bought a beautiful wooden cabinet just for all the table cloths – a precious heirloom but also so beautiful I use them all the time! Some are smaller one as the one from your aunt and are on the bedside tables.
Annika, it says so much about you–that you honor these gifts by displaying them and using them too. Some people don’t “use the good china” except for special occasions, but end up not using it ever.
Thanks for the follow-up here! 😀
What a sweet, sweet friendship. Death is hard, especially when we don’t get a chance to say goodbye and that was my experience a few weeks ago. She was gone, just like that without being sick. I’m so glad you have a recording of your friend’s voice. I have copies of my friend’s paintings and memories of her helping me when Vic died and also when we bought this old house and the stairwell needed painting. We were in a women’s class together for many years and she will be sorely missed. You remind me to take good care and stay in contact with friends. Blessings all around.
Grief is the price we pay for love, so they say. I am so very sorry to hear of the death of a long-time friend, one with whom you have created many memories. Sudden death exacts a different kind of loss, catching us unawares. Some time ago you sent me a holiday greeting done by an artist friend. Now I wonder if she is the one.
My condolences to you, my friend, hugs! ((( )))
So much has been said here in the comments but, truly, this is lovely, Marian. 💗
Thank you so much for the reply. You certainly understand the sentiment I feel toward Carolyn and her lovely family, Sarah.
Marian – Thank you for your thoughtful tributes to my Mom on your blog. To write a book, yet write one with another person is a great homage to one another. “Rheems and Queens” will always be close to my heart. My Dad left my brother Otto and I art, my Mom left us her writings. Thank you so much for being part of her gift to us. I apologize for the delay in responding. It’s been quite a month since I last saw you in Fernandina.
My Mom’s friend, Ginny White recently wrote me, “I hope you are finding your grounding again after this earthquake in your life – while we continue to miss her, we all hold her inside of us – and one day, we too will join the mystery.”
Marian and Cliff – Thank you for coming on 27 July. Every time I go back to Fernandina, there is such a mixed bag of emotions and having all of you there this time, the first time after Mom’s death and funeral was like entering Fernandina with a BIG WARM HUG.
After that evening, from 28 July – 5 Aug, we had our annual Phanstiel Family reunion, where my cousins from FL and NY converge in Fernandina. Fun but very people intensive. During that week, we also emptied Mom’s home which was emotionally draining on multiple levels to get it ready for a long-term renter. Otto’s dream is to retire in Fernandina, so maybe one day the house will once again have a Phanstiel residing in it. Then I ended the week with a colonoscopy at Mayo since I was already in North FL. All is well and thankfully I won’t have to do that for another decade – YAY!
Finally, I’m home in Juno Sweet Juno and I had some quiet time to spend recharging and going thru the boxes I packed in a rush from Mom’s home to bring to mine. First on my list was to try a new yoga place by my house. As you may know, at the end of each yoga class they do a meditation/relaxation time where you lay on your back….best part of the yoga class for me….LOL! At the end when you turn on your right side and slowly “wake up”…I opened my eyes – there was the “home of the happy frog” welcoming me back to my home in Juno which made me grin from ear to ear. My mom had a similar one on her front porch for years! The really interesting thing is the yoga teacher switched it up and made us lay down with our feet pointing the opposite side of the room of her for the meditation/relaxation time….so I never saw the frog the entire class until then. Amazing huh? Mom moments continue!!
Thanks for sharing many “Mom” moments with us all. I echo what Ginny said, “finding your grounding again after this earthquake in your life.” You are doing all the right things, mourning a great loss. I found that the first six months were the hardest. Mm mom died in 2014 when I experienced my “earthquake” then. She’d contracted C-Diff and was gone in 5 days. As you may expect, I wrote a tribute to her as well: https://marianbeaman.com/2016/07/27/mothers-sky-view-the-beautiful-city/
In fact, In fact, I wrote 8-10 blog posts over the years about her, and one or two about my brother who died unexpectedly in 2018.
May you feel God’s comfort as you progress through grief, knowing she lived a wonderful life–and in spite of constant pain–was a force for good. ((( )))
P. S. I have a special photo of my mom in our living room. Sometimes when I walk by, I say, “Thanks, Mom!” 😀
You’re the best😘
😀