Would you trust marital advice from a long-time mistress? Would you have confidence in a woman who has carried on a clandestine affair with a married man for nearly thirty years?
Yet, the Mistress in this book believes she has wisdom to offer, Advice to a Young Wife from an Old Mistress. Through Drury. the speaker says, “society assumes a mistress is in the wrong and therefore has nothing to say to a woman in the right. But she does.”
“Many years ago,” she adds, “when I was divorced initially against my choice, I protested to a friend, a much older man, “I was a good wife!” and he replied, “My dear, there is no such thing. There is only the right wife for a given man.”
Drury does not dispense the woman’s advice in a numbered list. Rather, she makes her points in a formal, Victorian voice, a few reflections which I have converted into 8 “bullet” points.
1. . . . all newcomers to marriage are inescapably beginners, a little clumsy, too earnest, quite unaware of what is yet required, cheerfully certain that they have arrived at a triumphant culmination instead of a precarious takeoff.
2. Attraction can flare up in almost any situation, but love cannot long endure where there are no selves, no terminals between which the spark can alternate. Anode and cathode, yang and yin, riposte, counterpoint, tension: it is just that simple.
3. A successful mistress knows how to be loved; it seldom occurs to a wife that it is necessary to learn.
4. But a woman who habitually complains against a man is quibbling. Either live with him, and hold your tongue, or act, but don’t harp, unless you really mean to keep from being loved.
5. A mistress, because she has few stated rights, learns restraint; a wife, having almost too many, is tempted to usurp.
6. Wives and mistresses have different clocks. A wife can become so engrossed with the future that she almost ceases to live today. Everything is for tomorrow: the children’s education, the bigger house, next year’s promotion, retirement, the long focus upon some event not yet arrived. A mistress lives perhaps too much in the present, but this very immediacy, physical and spiritual, is a lodestar.
7. If you would stay loved, stay strange a little. Maintain a reserve of mind and heart, not a sly withholding but the privacy of personality.
8. A wife does not have to be a career woman, but she does need to be a woman, a whole person with brain and hands.
* * *
In June, I met a woman online whose life lessons more closely resemble mine. In fact, hers reflect the ones I mention in the pages of My Checkered Life: A Marriage Memoir.
Susan Alexander Yates has been married to husband John for 54 years. She, too, has advice to dispense, tried and true bits of wisdom garnered over years of experience.
Susan Alexander Yates, author and speaker
Her website’s “About” page introduces Susan:
I’m mom to five children (including a set of twins) and grandmother to 21 (including a set of quadruplets!). My husband, John, and I have been married 54 years. We live in Falls Church, Virginia, a Washington D.C. suburb where John served as the Senior Pastor of The Falls Church Anglican for 40 years before retirement. I’ve written 16 books and speak on the subjects of marriage, parenting, faith issues, and women’s issues.
Susan blogs weekly on the theme of “Wisdom for Every Season.” A North Carolina Tarheel, Susan “loves Monday night football, ACC basketball, shooting hoops with my grandsons, hiking and riding horseback with my husband, running and talking with girlfriends. You are not likely to find me at the mall; I’d rather be at the farm.”
She also offers best advice for a healthy marriage (of 54 years), listing seven nuggets of advice for a happy marriage. You’ll find three here. Discover the others on her website:
- Forgiveness is the most important ingredient of any marriage.
- Have friends to whom you are accountable.
- Resolve conflict.
More Insights from Susan:
Ten Things Every Man Needs to Know About Marriage
How to Handle Conflicts and Expectations in Marriage
Our wedding anniversary, August 1967 – 2023
I wrote about our own marriage in My Checkered Life, a Marriage Memoir, April 2023
Click on the title above for special pricing!
Thank you!
What valid bits of wisdom did you discover from the old mistress?
Advice you value from author Susan Alexander? From your own observation or experience?
Good morning, Marian! Happy Anniversary!
This might simply be my interpretation from what you’ve written, but the mistress’s advice seems centered on the woman, as if it’s her job alone to keep a marriage successful. Susan’s advice seems more for the couple.
Thank you for the good wishes, Merril. Once again: first commenter!
Your interpretation is absolutely right. The content of the book by the mistress was woman-centered. I had no idea what her partner was like based on the book. Perhaps her perspective reflects societal norms at the time. On the other hand, Susan is couple-centered: her blog, her blurb, and her books reflect that. 😀
Good Morning, Marian,
I have heard of Susan Alexander Yates. In fact, I am quite sure I have read some of her devotions if she is the same Susan that contributes every now and then to Proverbs 31 Ministries, which I love. I received their devotionals every morning.
Now, as for the advice from the Mistress, I would search first through the word of God or a book that may have been recommended to me by a Christian writer before I would take the advice of a mistress. Marriage is a spiritual covenant and both people are bound to it, which means both people are responsible for seeing the marriage work. The advice coming from the mistress is very worldly, and I do my best not to accept worldly advice on spiritual things.
Happy Anniversary and all the best.
Shalom shalom
A connection between Susan and the Proverbs 31 ministry sounds very plausible. Probably a Google search would verify that.
Yes, I went out on a limb giving advice from the mistress. I think giving credence to her advice comes down to this: Take the wheat and leave the chaff behind. I agree, God’s Word is the best standard for living. Thanks for voicing your view, Pat! 😀
I’m not married, so I can’t comment from experience. But I am grateful for the marriages of friends and family and for those who work toward supporting these marriages.
Authors like you have a keen sense of observation. I like your conclusion here, L. Marie. Thank you! 😀
This one reached me: “a woman who habitually complains against a man is quibbling. Either live with him, and hold your tongue, or act, but don’t harp, unless you really mean to keep from being loved.” I try not to quibble, but sometimes there are things to discuss, right?
I’m interested in Susan’s blog–my daughter lives in Falls Church and it is a wonderful neighborhood.
Yes, there are things to discuss–negotiate about and compromise over, sometimes. It’s a daily occurrence in this household.
About Susan’s blog: I’m sure she would like to hear from your daughter. I’m glad this post resonated with you, Melodie! 😀
Oh, and I just discovered something about posting on your blog. I switched to Google browser instead of the customary Firefox that I use (which again wouldn’t take my post). Now. If I can just remember that! Making a note…. 🙂
Glad to hear this! 😀
While I’m smiling about the mistress’s advice, I’m taking it with a grain of salt. So easy to criticize something you’re not part of. Susan Alexander Yates seems to me to be more on point. Just saying, no disrespect meant toward the mistress.
Yes, I’m getting a rise out of some commenters today, sticking my neck out posting advice from (gulp!) a mistress for heaven’s sake. I’m glad you’re smiling and taking the advice with a grain of salt, Ally! 😀
Well, Marian, once again we go together into birthday/anniversary season. Today Stuart and I are celebrating #54. In a few minutes we’ll head off to Marietta and then ride our bikes to the end of the River Trail, returning to Marietta for some well-earned lunch. The best thing I read on marriage today was the note left on my chair this morning. Glad you have enjoyed your special days too. I wish you many more.
I’m delighted that you both are hale and hearty enough to make this trek on your anniversary. I’m guessing you’ll be close to the Susquehanna and near a park-like setting, where our family had land for many years.
Probably the note from Stuart expresses gratitude for your devotion and undying love over the years. Cliff will be getting a goofy card from me on the 5th along with a poem I discovered recently: John Ciardi’s “Most Like an Arch This Marriage” https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47013/most-like-an-arch-this-marriage
Happy Anniversary to you and Stuart! 😀
Happy Anniversary to you both.
It sounds like a very interesting book for young wives, but too late for me: 31 years and counting…
You and Peter have a good thing going. No need to spoil it with advice from a mistress. (I hope I’m right.) Thanks for commenting today, Fatima!
We’re celebrating 37 years together today, so we’re not quite in Susan/John or Marian/Cliff territory. I enjoy reading and learning what long-timed couples have to say on the subject of marriage. My own advice includes not taking anything for granted, laughing together, and the importance of communication. I also think it’s critical for couples to enjoy their time together while also having independent interests.
Thanks for wise advice in a nutshell. I believe it was Tolstoy who said, “”All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” I’m glad you and Debbie fall into the “happy” category, with many good years ahead, Pete. 😀
There is truth in both POVs. Thanks, Marian.
Makes sense to me too. Thanks, Pete. 😀
Not to be judgemental or anything, but I take issue with someone having an affair with a married man offering marriage advice to young wives. Aside from the gall of it, a mistress can’t presume to know what goes on in the lover’s marriage. A married man cheating on his wife is just as apt to lie to his mistress as he is to his wife.
Shaking that off, I think Susan’s advice is on-point, and she has the marriage-cred to offer it.
Liz, as you can imagine, I pondered the audacity of combining the views of a mistress with those of a legally married wife. However, I decided to go ahead with excerpts from each, knowing my readers are discerning enough to come to their own wise conclusions. Thank you for voicing yours! 😀
You’re welcome, Marian. 🙂
In January we celebrated our 55th anniversary! My advice: keep lines of communication open. Admit when you’re wrong and say sorry. Be willing to let your partner have the last word!
These are sterling bits of wisdom, Elfrieda. I have to practice them daily, and weekly one of has to say “I’m sorry; I was wrong.” Letting your partner have the last word usually ends the argument. How do I know? I too have been down this road. : -D
You and Hardy are such good models of marriage for your children and grandchildren. Congratulations on 55 + years!
Hmm…I look forward to the card that Marian is going to give me on the 5th.
Yes, I’d say the phrase “it takes two to tango” is a great melody in the dance of a marriage. So if my wife and I tango, I guess it means we have enough energy to keep our life of love going 🙂
Like Pete said, each of us having our own identity is important. Marian’s writing studio looks out into the front of our house, while my art studio is at the southern part of our house…watching the squirrels play hide and seek on the live oaks, watch the mallard ducks and Canada geese paddle and splash in the lake…while I think of creative drawings to augment Marian’s writing.
Thanks be to God for allowing us to find each other (from West to the East) at just the perfect time. Happy Anniversary early, my Dear!
You have summed up our life now beautifully and with a glimpse of the years that have preceded it. Thank you for your steadfastness through the years. . . for your creativity and for you abiding sense of humor, a bridge during hard times. Huge hugs! ((( )))
Happy Anniversary Marian and Cliff hope you enjoy your day .😊❤️
I take umbrage concerning someone who gives advice about anyone’s marriage, be it a mistress or another wife . I call them nosy parkers and to mind their own business. No one can advise because every marriage is different. Some days you love em some days you could kill em but you know you could never live without them 🫣.
Cherryx
Cherry, you’ve added some realism to the conversation here. I have a hunch you don’t hold in your feelings with your husband; he knows right where you stand. Thanks for checking in here. . . and don’t forget to read last week’s post filled with canines and felines of which you are fond. 😀
Third time around for me, Marian. I love reading the follow-up comments on this post. Happy Anniversary.
I’m glad you enjoyed the post + the followup comments, which as you know, bring the post full circle. Thanks, Rebecca! 😀
I loved this post Marian. I think I covered many of these truths in my own book, Twenty Years: After I Do. I especially resonated with this quote, “There is only the right wife for a given man.” There is truth. <3
I remember reading your memoir and writing a 5* review: https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R11RE93V2VOM6Q/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0994793855
Reading your homage to your husband in this memoir felt like having a conversation with an old friend about love and aging. It was REAL, Debby! 😀
Hi Marian, there are some great points on that list. I must admit that Terence and I have quite independent lives in many ways, maybe that is a good thing and keeps our relationship fresh and interesting.
Robbie, I believe you are right. For thirty years Cliff traveled during the school year, performing his art/music shows in schools. That gave me time to devote to my teaching. When we came together, our relationship felt fresh, as you point out. (I hope your and your family are enjoying good health.)
I feel exactly as Merril and add to her comment. When I read the “mistress/wife” pointers, I kept saying “but what about the MAN? What does HE need to do?” I think ‘back in the day,’ it was only the woman’s responsibility (whether mistress or wife) to keep the love strong. Urgh, makes my skin crawl.
I look forward to reading more of Susan Yates – sounds like she has sound advice.
But you, dear friend, have the best advice and memoir about long-time marriage (that’s just my opinion). 🙂
Thanks for checking in with your comment, Pam. I always know you will be candid. And I agree, marriage requires each to give 100%, not all the time, but averaged out. Marriage is hard even if the pair are compatible. I simply couldn’t do it with a lout–and certainly not with a jerk–hahaha! 😀
You and me both. But we both lucked out with fabulous husbands. 💖
Happy marriages are rare. Extremely so! <3
I’m late to the party since I’ve had family gifts and a flare up of Meniere’s Disease which keeps my activity level to a minimum. I felt my marriage was exciting and a wonderful gift without any tricks (Mistress Tricks?) that had to be thought about before hand. I didn’t have to hold anything back but could be completely myself from laughter to tears, from irritability to gratitude. The same was true for Vic right to his last days. We focused on honest communication and truth telling and that worked the best for us. I have a feeling that works for you and Cliff, too. I miss being married, but life handed me new lessons.
I’m glad you had a very happy, companionable marriage. Vic and you were perfect together. One day either Cliff or I will be learning the “new lessons” you are referring to.
Thank you, Elaine, for making such a bold and sacrificial effort to comment here. You are never late to the party, and I always appreciate your thoughtful comments. 😀