Hustler TV is
Pornographic. . .
with naked bodies filling the screen
Though I’m not a fan of formulaic Hallmark movies, I’m more a wholesome-romance-kind-of-woman than the sex-crazed hussies and high-libido men featured on the Hustler Channel. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know I post literary stuff, poetry, family stories laced with sacred texts, not sex. The scenes of most of my posts take place in the kitchen, not the bedroom.
One Saturday late in January after scrutinizing my Aunt Ruthie’s teenage diary for way too long, I needed a change. So, closing the pages detailing the life of a virtuous young woman of the 1930s, I decide I need to zone out with a movie. “Maybe I can find one on the Paramount channel,“ I mused. Guessing the three channel numbers for a movie as I punched in the channel, my eyes nearly fell out of their sockets when I beheld the images on a station I never intended. How did that happen? On my way to find entertainment, I must have scrambled three numbers for Paramount and landed on a sex-saturated site. Oh, my blessed word! I was horrified.
Horrified, I panicked! “I have to get out of this—and quick!” Apparently, my fat fingers flew too fast to change channels. So, instead of pressing the back button, as I intended, I must have clicked OK.
“OKAY? NO-No! It’s NOT okay! I” fumbled some more and sealed my fate ending up with a 6-hour $14.99 + tax charge to lurid bedroom scenes sponsored by the likes of Larry Flynt, whose lair of Las Vegas strip clubs, bars and adult novelty shops promote raw sex.
Now I have to get my husband involved. I can’t call or “chat” with our provider because I’m not listed as primary of the account. Cliff initiated our internet/TV/phone subscription. The account is in his name, so he has to authorize changes. I can’t fix the error myself. Woe is me!
Thus begins Cliff’s challenge to contact Comcast. He begins with a nine-minute conversation with one agent, who assures him that he will solicit the help of another agent. “Expect a return call in 45 minutes, to authorize a refund,” the rep assures him. The call never comes.
Soon after, Cliff makes another attempt. Five times he is hung up on. He tried leaving a voice message to no avail. Finally, he yells, “Cancel service,” into his phone, which gets a rise out of someone at the other end. At last, he speaks to a LIVE person for 23 minutes. Friendly and cooperative, this rep initiates a refund and sends him a confirmation email. “You should notice a credit on the next bill,” he assures my husband. We’ll see. . . .
Mennonite girls don’t like to be a bother. Not even even former Mennonite girls. Cliff spent his precious time righting a wrong not even his fault. Bless him!
I am no prude. After all, I am a married woman who has birthed two children and subscribe to the message of Hebrews 13:4. Yes, as an English major, I know the themes of Nabokov’s Lolita and J. D. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye. Nevertheless, Playboy bunnies and flaming floozies are not my thing, as you may well imagine. And I’m not tempted to begin being a voyeur at this stage of life.
And so, I muse about safeguards to avoid future snafus, “Maybe we should banish the TV all together.” Some people get along just fine without a television in the house. I certainly didn’t grow up with one. And, knowing my proclivity for faulty fingering, maybe I should enable a “BLOCK” setting or use a filter. Or, install parental controls.
In retrospect, I could have just used the “audio” feature on the remote to find the channel I intended. “Audio” would have even succeeded in changing the channels when I first saw my mistake, but that’s all water under the bridge now. Besides, it’s not the worst thing in the world.
And I wouldn’t have this story to share either!
Do you have a story similar to mine?
Has something you’ve done ended up inconveniencing another person?
Good morning, Marian! Your post made me chuckle. I can well image your chagrin. I’m not a prude either, but I also have no desire to watch such a channel (and be charged for it!). I hope the situation is taken care of–but as you said, you got a story out of it.😏
Yes, the situation has been resolved. I watch less and less TV each week. Like you, intentionally watching a film on Prime Video or Netflix in the evening is much more satisfying.
Yes,– a story I don’t care to repeat, Merril! 😀
I’m sure you don’t!😅
Thanks for this fun start to my Wednesday! You made me smile.
That was the point, Holly! After the chagrin. . . the smile. Thanks for the visit and the comment. 😀
That’s one way to describe it! Thanks again for checking in, Jack. 😀
I can well imagine your consternation when those unwelcome images assaulted your unsuspected eyes! But, as you say, you got a good blog post out of it!
You are so right, Liz. Comedy, tragedy, and anything in between is all fodder for the writer. 😀
We are all pretty shameless in that regard. 😀
Oh Marian. May those images you unexpectedly saw be replaced with those that express beauty and truth.
A relative offered to take me to a movie when I was a teen that turned out to be pornographic. I demanded to leave. Needless to say I didn’t spend much time with that relative after that.
Oh, my goodness. It seems the ticket-taker was not paying attention unless you looked old for your age. But still. . . ! You are a woman of discretion and made the right decision. Thanks for sharing this, L. Marie! 😀
God somehow gave me the strength to do so.
Back in the day, some ticket takers didn’t care how old you looked. I didn’t look my age.
Thanks for the follow-up here. 😀
My stepdaughter has a dog that has learned how to operate the TV remote. He can turn the TV on, change the channels, and turn the sound up and down. When we are on the phone, I often hear her tell him “Peanut, that’s too loud, turn the TV down,” and he does! Or she will say “No, we’re not watching that, change the channel” and he does that, too. He’s a little scary.
I must tell her about your Hustler fiasco. I would hate for her to come home from work to find her dogs watching porn. And how would she explain THAT to the customer service people?
Peanut’s favorite show by far is Arthur, and it’s going off the air soon. When that happens, there’s no telling what he might do with the TV remote!
This is one for the record book, Linda Lee. I know dogs are smart, but this one is brilliant. I wonder what breed he/she is.
Did you know there is a pet station called DogTV to help dogs relax? I’m sure it’s a paid channel, but one your stepdaughter may want to look into. Hilarious! 😀
Peanut is a boy, and yes he is brilliant. My stepdaughter wonders if he is a reincarnated human. I don’t believe in that sort of thing, but Peanut is almost enough to make me believe. He is 25% miniature Chihuahua, but the rest is a mystery, as both his mom and his grandma became pregnant during unsupervised escapes.
A few days ago, I was talking to my stepdaughter while I was taking one of my 3 rescue dogs outside to potty. I told my dog “go do your poopie.” My stepdaughter had her phone on speaker, and she said that when Peanut heard me say this, he immediately went over to a puppy pad on the floor and… did a poopie.
Peanut is definitely one for the record books!
What an amazing dog! Is the dog a border collie or a golden retriever by any chance?
No, he’s at least 25% Chihuahua. The rest is a mystery, but his mom looks like she is part miniature greyhound. He’s an amazing dog. My stepdaughter has diabetes and he wakes her up in the night when her blood sugar goes too low. My stepdaughter also has a terrible fear of spiders, so he kills them for her. I have never known a dog like Peanut!
Your “Peanut” stories are simply amazing. Huge thanks for spicing up our conversation here. ((( )))
Marian, Susan and I have known you and Cliff now for 50 years. That must have been an awful shock.
Yes, you know us well, and I know you and Susan to be faithful and true all the way through. Thanks for checking in today, very much appreciated, Jerry!
Hilarious! I had a similar experience on Twitter, Facebook, and Comcast. Many of the posts are deceiving and when you click…OH NO! and the site won’t let you exit. In panic mode your brain has forgotten that I could simply turn it off. Instead…
John, I’m not certain, but I believe I did turn off the TV at one point, but it came back to the same channel. Maybe it needed to stay OFF longer. In any case, I don’t plan another visit, that’s for sure! 😀
Marian — Even though I didn’t get to read this post until today, it was WELL worth the wait and the laugh!
You’re right on time, Laurie, just posted today. 😀
Ha ha! Shock and horror! I’m sure I’ve had a similar experience but for the life of me I can’t remember what … probably a repressed memory. Bless Cliff for having the patience to get you out of that prickly place – and yes, I’m pretty sure I’ve done MANY things to inconvenience another, probably my sweet husband ..
I’m glad you can relate. . . and commiserate. I’m sure you’ve helped your husband out in other ways. Thanks, Susan! 😀
Now that is funny. Something I would inadvertanty do and then have to get hubby to fix. To be honest I don´t watch TV unless Paul is at home as I know I would do something I couldn´t fix. LIke you, I didn´t have a TV growing up and wouldn´t even miss it if we didn´t have one.
TV watching can be a default for people who are bored (or anxious). Truthfully, I watch TV less and less. Spring is perking up, so being outside is much more alluring these days. Spring in Spain sounds very inviting. 😀
We have funny stories about my dad. We’d all be watching a family movie like The Sound of Music or Fiddler on the Roof or some other movie where the couple engaged in passionate kissing and my dad would fumble with the remote, trying to turn it off! We all laughed at him and said “come on, dad” and the scene was over before he could press the off button! But I appreciate his intentions. He was a very private man and taught us to value and respect others. That respect includes what you quoted from the book of Hebrews. I’m no prude but sexual immorality has become rampant in our society and I’m not attracted to viewing it.
Two images flash in my mind: my dad tearing out images of half-clad women in the LIFE magazine ads and Grandma L. blanching at words like “sex” in ladies magazines of the day, probably Women’s Circle. They are both gone now but would be stunned by what passes for entertainment these days. Thanks for sharing your story, Elfrieda! 😀
What a great story! I laughed and laughed–and laughter is much needed as world stress pushes in and never seems to let up. I hope Cliff laughed too. “Cancel It!!” He probably didn’t even cuss. Let’s cancel covid and bombs while we’re at it!
I’m one of those people without a TV, but no worries because I can get to crazy sites on my computer with no problem at all. I’ve never landed on Hustler and will remember your cautionary tale–with lots of giggles. I’m so glad you shared your wild experience and–again–I’m grateful for laughter.
AMEN to canceling Covid and bombs. I’m all for it, and I believe Ukrainian President Zelenskyy is all for canceling bombs in his recent appeal to Congress to make his air-space a “no-fly” zone. By the way, Cliff did not cuss, but he did yell–hahahaha! 😀
Great story, Marian. I can just see you and Cliff in this modern “I Love Lucy” scene. The biggest laugh was “Cancel service!” The only way to get a response from the cable people. Hope you get a nice exciting-but-not-too-racy movie next time you pick up the remote.
For the moment we are enjoying Monk, the mildly romantic Netflix series. Nothing too racy about Tony Shalhoub, the deadpan detective with OCD.
You certainly don’t need mechanical entertainment as you enjoy colorful countries this week. Thanks for checking in, Shirley! 😀
Sounds just like something I could do! Reminds me of the times my cell phone number ended up on ads for a “masseuse” and I received creepy texts and voicemails from all kinds of creatures crawling out from under rocks. [shudder] But yes, quite a story and hopefully one never to be repeated! Fav line: flaming floozies. 😂
Sassy green boots must have added to the intrigue, in case the creeps took time to go beyond the cellphone number. Cliff used to get tantalizing invitations when he advertised art & music shows in American Art Assemblies, intended as an educational outreach. Maybe they were expecting a flaming floozy in the form of a nude woman with a patriotic hat, jumping out of a cake.
Jenn, we could get into a heap of trouble at the drop of a hat. Ha ha! 😀
Oh, Marian I can just imagine the look of panic and shock horror on your face and I am sorry to say I am not sorry for laughing ..Thank you for the smile and at least you got a blog out of it so there was a plus side to it….:)
After the consternation, I saw the comedy in this and decided my blog friends would enjoy the laugh. I’m glad this story had that effect on you, Carol. He He! 😀
It certainly did, Marian.. 😂
I’ve started to watch several movies and a couple of series that simply had to go…even a few books that were closed. Such is life… Can only imagine your quandry. I was easily able to undo my messes so far.
I guess we’d both rather experiment and explore than live a bland life. You assure me that I’m not the first (or the last) to meet up with unsavory media. Fortunately, we can clap the book shut or turn off the TV. Thanks for weighing in here, Bette! 😀
This story is hilarious, Marian. I’m picturing your expression when you realize you’ve accidentally tapped the wrong button and get charged for something you didn’t intend to order. I suspect that most companies make it hard to get refunds and assume people will eventually give up. Cliff sounds like me—we’re like dogs after a bone when we feel justice has not been served. Isn’t it remarkable how someone magically appears to make everything right with the world when we want to cancel service? Thanks for the chuckles. By the way, your title was sure to get clicks. 🤣
A chuckle or a gasp, that’s what I was after with the title and the contents. Yes, like you, Cliff doesn’t like injustice OR technological plots to thwart him. Thanks, Pete! 😀
Stuart has spent hours and hours on the phone with folks from DirectTV, and usually gets the most results when he announces he’s going to cancel. I’m thinking Cliff might have been a little bemused too amid the frustration. 🙂
He wasn’t bemused during the process–maybe afterwards though. How interesting that Stuart and you can relate to all these shenanigans. Thanks for commiserating, Melodie! 😀
Oh ! Marian you are so funny . I can’t believe you did that but the simple flick of a switch it’s so easy . It is definitely the sort of thing I’d do in complete innocence. . I’m all for a bit of romance but it has to be said normal channels get you blushing these days . Now , where are those smelling salts?
No need for smelling salts, but I did need a cold shower–(just kidding!!
Yes, even so called normal channels can get you blushing these days. I’m glad you got a chuckles (maybe even a few laughs) out of this, Cherry! 😀
I’m laughing here. I have no story anything like yours, because who could? I do understand how you could accidentally do what you did, but to tell a funny story about it… that’s all you. Thanks for the smile.
Laughing, smiles–I’m glad this post induced both for you. After Covid quarantine and bombs falling in Ukraine, we could do with a few lighter moments, especially if the jokes on us. (Me, in fact!)
Thanks for nodding your approval, Ally Bean! 😀
Ha Ha, Marian! I laughed through this post. And you sure drew readers in with that headline! Honestly, I have done similar things – on my TV remote and computer – by keying too fast.
You know the feeling. . . and the aftermath! Truth is, this is not the first time I committed such a gaffe. I hope it will be the last, however! Thanks for weighing in, Lorrie! 😀
LOL. I’m like you, Marian. Not interested at all. And this is why in my house, I don’t bother with the remote… as if my husband would give it up anyway. 🙂
Man hogging the remote. Well, that puts a different slant on things, Diana! Thanks for weighing in here. 😀
Lol Marian. Of all the people in the world, I would never figure you for a porn watcher, lol. Sadly, technology can catch us in a split second. Your experience did certainly give you a good story to share, and lessons about ‘fast fingers’, lol. 🙂
If by LOL you mean “Laugh Out Loud,” yet indeed. The joke’s on me. Just between you and me: this was my second time messing up with this channel. Never again! 😀
Oh Marian, you story did give me a giggle. What a thing to happen. I remember Greg telling me he’d seen some “funny things with naked girls” on one of the school computers. This was when he was 7. I told the teacher and sure enough, one of the young lads had managed to download porn onto the classroom computer.
A giggle is good, Robbie!
Regarding your anecdote about the 7 year-old lad, it’s had to tell whether the download was deliberate or accidental. I imagine that the school put some filters or blocks on such channels since then. Thanks for sharing! 😀
How did I miss this Marian? 🙂 Especially with that title, lol????? Very, very funny. Thanks for such a fun read. I am glad that it got resolved, but of all the channels…..hahaha. It could have been NASCAR racing or a Garden Channel, the whole story cracks me up. I can only IMAGINE your face when the channel “activated”….priceless. What a wonderful sense of humor you have. ♥
You didn’t miss it, Melanie. You’re HERE! I’ve told very few people this, but this is the second time my fingers have fumbled to this site. Just put 2-4-5 in the wrong order, and instead of a Paramount movie, you get porn. I say, “Oy Vey!”
And humor. . . you just have to laugh these days; otherwise, you’ll crack up—and not in a good way either. ;-D
Ha, ha. I had to read your post, with a title like that! I can easily understand how that would happen. God Bless Cliff for tackling the really challenging part – dealing with customer “service.” Always a nightmare scenario, it seems.
Yes, two nightmares in a row, one a fallout. I would have done anything to keep Cliff from the great time-waster, “Customer Service,” but alas, it couldn’t be done. Thanks for speaking up here in Cliff’s defense, Arlene! 😀
I laughed out loud when I saw your headline. Marian, a few days ago I saw a notice (was it on FB? I think?) that “marian beaman sto Hustler.” I figured it was spam/whatever you call it when ugly things go on these social media sites. Lo and behold, it was true! 🙂 I cannot tell you how many times this past month I’ve been ready to throw in the towel to any technology, including social media, the computer, even the TV. We watch less and less on the tube, but this weekend friends recommended that we stream Paramount plus to watch 1880 (or something like that) and Yellowstone. But I just am fearful and fingering any more buttons!
With flushed face, I must admit to not just once, but twice–faulty fingering.
I echo your sentiments exactly–TV has less and less appeal for us. Right now, C. and I take in 1-2 episodes of the time-tested “Monk” series in the evening. Tony Shalhoub’s OCD would be funnier if we hadn’t gone through all that obsessive hand-wiping since COVID alighted on our planet. And with that, I cleanse myself from viewing dirty channels.
Thanks for weighing in, Pam! 😀
Can’t help smiling, my friend. xo
Great story, Marian, and easily done, may I add.
We survived without a TV for 3 years and only got one when our son was 4 so that he could watch The Teletubbies, which he used to watch round his grandparents’ house and kept asking for.
You did very well with & without a TV, it appears. When we are on vacation, we never think about watching TV. In fact, TV time seems flat compared to real-life adventures. Thanks for checking in, Fatima! 😀
Wonderful post, Marian! And quite different from the usual here. 🙂 By the way, this can happen to anyone. Unless that one doesn’t have a TV. 🙂 Fewer and fewer people have TVs these days – a trend I totally understand.
I know it, Liesbet. You expect the spiritual and tame from new, not lascivious – ha! I like to experiment with themes here. . . and sometimes surprise! Thanks for swinging by. 😀
Haha well I’m glad you didn’t use the audio feature because I enjoyed this story very much! Live and learn, right?
Ha! Ha! Glad you got a chuckle. This story would probably be YouTube fodder for you, Barb!