Kathy Pooler has been a blog friend and writing buddy since we met at a writer’s retreat in 2015. Now we are both publishing memoirs this year: her second, my first. I call her a Steel Magnolia because she has indomitable fortitude, yet she travels the world as a gentle soul, revealing a beautiful spirit, like the petals of a magnolia.
As far as I can tell, she has never staged a Pity Party, certainly not publicly. Though she has survived two abusive marriages, the pressures of an addicted son, she has not complained. And though she has had numerous physical challenges, heart failure (relieved with a pace maker) and kidney failure (managed via dialysis), she clings to hope. Soon she will make another hard transition – from a beloved 130-acre farm to senior independent living.
Kathy is a survivor. And that’s why I call her a steel magnolia!
Her New Book
Book Synopsis
“When love is not enough, hope steps in”
Just the Way He Walked: A Mother’s Story of Hope and Healing is a story of how one woman’s simultaneous battles of Stage Four Non–Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and her young adult son’s addiction to alcohol and drugs test her resolve to never, ever give up hope. Written for parents, particularly mothers, of children who are addicted, this is a story of love, faith, hope, and breaking the cycle of addiction. Family relationships, father-son, mother-son, single parenting, the impact of addiction on families, and the need for education in breaking the cycle of addiction are all explored.
The message of resilience and faith in the face of insurmountable odds serves as a testament to what is possible when one dares to hope.
Ten Things My Son Taught Me About Addiction and Sobriety
Addiction is a family disease that storms in like a tornado and leaves its victims shattered. I know because I, along with many other mothers, have witnessed my own son’s struggle with drugs and alcohol.
I am no expert in addiction but my personal struggle with my son’s addiction taught me the importance of loving my child and never giving up hope. When love isn’t enough, hope steps in.
Ten things my son taught me about addiction and sobriety:
- Addiction is a family disease that affects everyone. When addiction struck our family, my time and energy were used to monitor my son, leaving his older sister to fend for herself. We all suffered in our own ways. Extended family, not understanding the nature of addiction, worried about us as they watched us struggle from afar. No one in our family was left unscathed.
- Addiction is a brain disease, not a moral failing. This took me years to discern as I took on the shame and guilt of having an addicted child. I had to learn about the insidious nature of addiction and develop coping skills to deal with my addicted child through counseling and Al-anon.
- I had no control over my son’s behavior. No amount of lecturing or stepping in and doing for him what he should and could be doing for himself, could make him quit drinking. I was the typical codependent mother who thought I could pull strings and make things better for him. If I help him pay his bills, maybe he’ll get back on track. As he grew into adulthood, I had to learn to let go of monitoring his day to day activities and let him take responsibility for his actions. Many of my responses were based in fear—that he would die.
- The best thing I could do to help my son was to take good care of myself. It took me many years to realize that setting healthy boundaries for myself and my son would benefit both of us. I learned that letting go did not have to mean giving up. I could still love my son but I had to let go on my need to fix him.
- Tough love doesn’t work. I mean the line of thinking that you have to let your loved one hit rock bottom by not helping him at all. This was the strategy that was popular when my son was in and out of rehab facilities. While I had to learn the difference between loving him and enabling him, I kept the lines of communication open and always let him know that I loved him. I also learned that when love was not enough, hope stepped in.
- Relapse is part of recovery. With each relapse, my son told me he learned something more about himself. He had frequent relapses and while each relapse seemed worse, each recovery seemed better.
- My son was the only one who could decide to stop drinking. He did it in his own time and fortunately before anything tragic happened. He was in active addiction for twenty-three years and achieved sobriety at the age of thirty-seven.
- Spirituality is the cornerstone for recovery. Believing in a Higher Power guided us both in our recoveries.
- Sobriety takes courage every day. It takes courage to live in sobriety. Service is an important part of sobriety. As the AA saying goes: “In order to keep it, you have to give it away”. My son had been active in AA and has stated his commitment to sobriety one day at a time.
- Living a sober life is an amazing adventure. My son has told me that he loves his life now that he is sober. He has given himself a second chance and is grateful to his Higher Power and to all the people along the way who have supported him in his recovery.
The reality is that addiction is always there waiting in the trenches to steal your loved one away. It is by the grace of God and the sheer day-to-day struggle that the addict can live life on his own terms and the loved ones can ultimately find peace and serenity. Recovery is possible. Don’t ever give up hope in your child.
Kathleen Pooler is a retired family nurse practitioner and author of the memoir Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse, published on July 28, 2014, and upcoming sequel, Just the Way He Walked : A Mother’s Story of Hope and Healing. She writes about how she tapped into her faith in God during her biggest obstacles and disappointments to transform and heal from life’s greatest challenges. She believes that every little bit of hope matters and that we are all strengthened and enlightened when sharing our stories.
She lives with her husband Wayne and their golden retriever Max in eastern New York, and blogs weekly at her Memoir Writer’s Journey blog : https://krpooler.com.
Buy Kathy’s book Just the Way He Walked, here.
Where else to Find Kathy:
Twitter @kathypooler https://twitter.com/KathyPooler
LinkedIn: Kathleen Pooler: https://www.linkedin.com/pub/ kathleen-pooler/16/a95/20a
Google+: Kathleen Pooler: https://plus.google. com/109860737182349547026/posts
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/ show/4812560-kathleen-pooler
Facebook:
Personal page, Kathy Pooler: https://www.facebook.com/ kathleen.pooler
Author page: Kathleen Pooler/Memoir Writer’s Journey:
https://www.facebook.com/memoirwritersjourney
Stories by Kathy Pooler
“The Stone on the Shore” in the anthology: The Woman I’ve Become: 37 Women Share Their Journeys From Toxic Relationships to Self-Empowerment, published by Pat LaPointe, 2012.
“Choices and Chances” in the My Gutsy Story Anthology, by Sonia Marsh, September, 2013.
Do you know Kathy? What do you have to say to her?
What tips can you add to her list?
Comments will be visible after approval!
Good morning, Marian–and Kathy! What a lovely surprise to find you both here this morning. I look forward to reading both of your memoirs. Kathy, good luck with your move!
Good morning, Merril! Thanks to author/host Janet Givens, Chincoteague, VA was our meeting place. I believe you met Kathy via live chat at the second retreat.
Yes, you are correct! 🙂
I posted a Skype snapshot of Janet and Kathy on my FB page this afternoon!
Hi Merril, even though we have never met in person, I feel like we have known each other for years through your beautiful poetry. That’s the biggest benefit of social media. And our live chat while you were at Janet’s certainly helped! Thanks for your interest in my memoir and for stopping by to comment. See you online!
It sounds like a harrowing read, but what an amazing resilient woman she must be!
Kathy intersperses enough moments of happiness to break the oppressiveness of her difficult journey. Like any good memoirist, she shows that light must break through the dark at times. Best of all, her story has a happy ending.
It’s very important to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m glad Kathy was able to do that: not always easy.
Thank you, Fatima!
Thank you, Fatima. It was a tough story to write but the process has been a healing one for both myself and my son. I appreciate your comment.
It can’t have been easy and you were very brave to do it. Hope everything is alright now. All the best to you and your son.
Thank you for introducing me to Kathleen, Marian. What an incredible journey she’s traveled. “I also learned that when love was not enough, hope stepped in.” I love this! I agree that tough love doesn’t work, but prayer always does. I look forward to reading her memoir. Wishing her the best in the transition into a senior community.
Jill, Kathy’s real-life dovetails with the theme of your hope-inspired novels. I’m glad you have met Kathy here today. 🙂
Thank you for your lovely thoughts, Jill. and for your interest in my memoir. It’s so nice not “meet ” you here on Marian’s wonderful blog. She has built a vibrant community through her delightful stories. I’m so happy to her a part of this wonderful community of women!
So am I, Kathleen. Marian is a blessing to many.
Thanks for sharing this. What an interesting memoir and woman. I know families that struggle with addiction and Kathleen’s observations seem spot on to me. I bet that Kathleen will do great when she decides to move to her new home. It’ll be different, but she’ll adapt.
Just like Kathy, you are an optimist, or maybe just an experienced realist. Your prediction for her future welcome will come true, I know it. Thanks, Ally!
Hi Alli, thank you for sharing your thoughts here and for your positive visualization about our pending move.I’ll take all the positive thoughts I can get! I appreciate you stopping by and commenting.
Good morning Kathy and Marian. I love how you support and encourage one another. This is the gift, the community of writing that is so special and magical, especially when sharing stories of the heart, which is the memoir writer’s journey. Both of you have much to be proud of with the publication of your memoirs, hard-fought journeys and insights, a gift to your readers.
You are listed first in the Acknowledgements of Kathy’s first book: Ever Faithful to His Lead. Both of us have felt your guiding presence in the arduous process of shaping a book’s structure. I’m glad you continue “giving” to writers in your Women’s Writing Circle too. I look forward to joining you soon, Susan. 🙂
Honestly, I think it would be impossible to write a memoir in a vacuum. Without the emotional support of mentors like you, I would never have had to courage to persist. Thanks for helping us both with fine editorial skills and constant encouragement.
Thank you, Marian. I just posted a reply, not sure if it went through, but what I wanted to say was that it has been an honor to work with you and Kathy. The women are very intrigued by your story and we all look forward to seeing you in the Circle on the 21st.
Yes, I see your reply. I have to moderate comments before they are visible. Yes, indeed, I AM looking forward to meeting some kindred spirits. Yesterday, I finished a short Powerpoint presentation for you and the women. 😀
Hi Susan, I love how we all support one another. It really does “take village” and I feel so blessed to have met you, Marian and so many others through social media. I agree, it is “the gift of community” as we share the stories of our hearts. As always, I appreciate your ongoing friendship and support.
What a beautiful post! So nice to meet Kathleen, Marian. Kathleen, you have had a tough journey. We’re blessed to have the pearls of wisdom you gleaned along the way. God bless you!
I’m so happy to introduce you to Kathy. I’m sure you can relate to the faith that has fueled her journey. Thank you, L. Marie!
Ahh, thank you, L. Marie for your kind thoughts here.Its nice to meet you. I think we all have lessons to share from our journeys through life. And I love that we help each other through sharing them. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
What a treat to find two of my favourite memoir writers together here this morning! Marian, thank you for featuring Kathy. Steel magnolia is a perfect description for this generous woman of strength and integrity. Kathy, thank you for sharing your wisdom here. I’m looking forward to reading your second book.
Kathy has shared with me a recent draft of her manuscript, now almost ready to publish. She often begins chapters with a personal journal entry. Letters to her son are scattered throughout. Because it’s a story of transformation, the thread of hope leads eventually to triumph. Thank you for joining with Kathy’s admirers here, Linda.
Hi Linda, I appreciate your kind and generous thoughts. I hope you know that the feeling of admiration is mutual and that I am one of your biggest fans. I look forward to reading your “Slice of Life ” musings every day! Thank you for your interest in my upcoming memoir. As you know so well, it is a labor of love, fraught with obstacles and detours along the way. Best wishes as you work on your next memoir and thanks for stopping by.
I love the Steel Magnolia analogy, Marian. Kudos. And I love how Kathy has consistently been a generous, gentle muse to me and to so many others walking the many different paths we all walk. So, thank you for featuring Kathy today Marian. While we have a different definition of “Tough Love” (I swear by it; to me it does not mean No Love) we have both come out on the other end, better for the journey.
Great to see you here, Janet! I just “paged” through desktop files and found a photo of you with Kathy when we did a SKYPE at your second writers’ retreat. Watch for it on my Facebook page with today’s post. 😀
Janet, we have been good buddies from the start and I for one appreciate that we can have differences and can agree to disagree. You always get me thinking and make me laugh with your trademark humor. Thanks so much for stopping by.
Such words of wisdom Kathy thank you so much. I feel enriched by reading Marian’s post about your life. Such courage and faith you had and have, and of such a strength that it will never lessen, only grow even more. You have inspired me.
I like very much what you say about relapse being a part of recovery. May your son’s sobriety continue to give him joy. And you too. Yes, we have a family member who is a recovering alcoholic and I know only too well how I and my sister have been affected by this, always worrying, always trying to make interventions even though he lives a distance from each of us. He is such a lovely man … and for the last while has been well. Thanks be to G.d.
Most of us have loved ones (friends and family members) afflicted with this devastating disease. Yes, Susan, thanks be to God as we offer support with our prayers!
Hi Susan, I appreciate you sharing your own story of a loved one with addiction. You know so well the price we all pay. I love what you say about “such strength will never lessen”. The lessons are hard-earned but like a muscle that gets stronger with activity, the more we face these challenges and overcome them, the stronger we become in the long haul. I wish continued sobriety for your loved one and peace and serenity for your family. It’s one day at a time. I agree, thanks be to God.
Thanks for featuring Kathleen here and for sharing her story, insights, and upcoming memoir. Your analogies are always spot on, Marian.
Addiction is tough. There are many straightforward issues in this life and this world that have an easy answer or a guideline to improvement. Addiction in not one of them. I can just imagine the despair and helplessness, especially since you want to do anything you can for your son, or other loved one, to get better. As Kathy mentioned, he has to decide and make the change himself. To do that, strength is required and support as well. I’m so glad he eventually managed to become sober. Yet, slipping back is always possible, like a tray of honey lurking around the corner.
Congrats on finishing the book, Kathy, as I’m sure it wasn’t an easy feat to write it.
Hi Liesbet, you are spot on with your description of addiction. It is anything by straight forward. I appreciate your kind thoughts and good wishes. I never take Brian’s sobriety for granted but am joyful for today. Writing this story was one of the hardest things I have done but it has led to much healing for both my son and myself. My greatest hope is that is will help others who are struggling with an addicted child. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.
Liesbet and Kathy, my best friend forever (50+ years and counting) has struggled with a family member’s addiction. She was encouraged by your candid story and has mentioned often the role of faith in her life and how Al-Anon has supported here through it all.
You two (Kathy and Marian) fit into the category of my favorite people. It’s a great afternoon to find you together here and wish we could meet face to face again. Best to both of you with your new books. Can”t wait to see them next to each other on my bookshelf.
Right back at you, Joan! Thanks for your good wishes and for your interest in my upcoming memoir. It’s been fun today to reconnect with so many dear friends such as yourself. It seems we go way back and share so many special memories.
Joan, thanks for the image in my head now: Kathy’s and my books side by side on your bookshelf.
Little did I know when I met both of you in Virginia that we’d forge such a strong bond, reading each other’s work and offering suggestions. 🙂
Yes, I have a feeling we’ll meet again, perhaps at a writers’ conference – or, on a trip to the north. A vacation sounds like a wonderful idea one of these days!
It’s been said before in others’ comments, but here you are together–two of my favorite memoir writers and cyber friends. Marian, thank you for choosing “steel magnolia” to describe Kathy’s strength and faith in the face of the battles she has faced. And Kathy, thank you for the work you put into writing this second memoir. It couldn’t have been easy to relive those memories and put them in black and white. I admire your integrity, authenticity, and determination. I wish you the best in this forthcoming move.
Sherrey, you and Kathy were among the first to connect with me when I took my writing online. Both of you have been a source of strength and courage. I am convinced it is not possible to persevere without a small “stadium” of writers to cheer up on. Thanks for being “steady in the boat” these many years!
Dear Sherrey, your words and support are so generous! I think we’re all brave to put ourselves out there but that is how we connect with each other and others. Thank you so much for stopping by at Marian’s beautiful blog. I am honored to be featured here
Well done ladies on your soon to be published memoirs and Kathy as one who has moved quite a lot in retirement I am sure it will be fine…Addiction is very real and a great leveller..Hope is all we have I have sadly seen a friend through an addiction I always hoped she would come out the other side but unfortunately she did not but is now at peace.
Sometimes the damage to the body is just too much…I loved reading how your spirit and hope shone through I am sure your memoir will be treasured reading for many 🙂
Thank you for acknowledging Kathy’s long, arduous journey. She has emerged stronger because of her faith and resilience. Unfortunately, that is not the hopeful ending for many who struggle. Thanks for checking in today, Carol!
Indeed it isn’t. Marian…:) x
🙁
Thank you, Carol. I appreciate your comment about how “addiction is a leveler” It certainly can test the limits of one’s strength and endurance. I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Not everyone is able to recover.
You are welcome Kathleen and thank you I miss her everyday and mourn what she has missed..
What a great message. Recovery is possible. Don’t ever give up hope in your child. So many family members do give up hope in the case of addiction, which is so sad to see. All the best with your book, Kathy. The world needs more folks like you. xo
Thanks for stopping by with another thumbs up! Certainly the world needs more folks like Kathy – and you too, Darlene, for spreading joy with all your books. I suspect (like me) you are head over heels in book launching. All the best to you, Darlene.
Thanks so much, Darlene. Hope was the only thing that got me through those harrowing times. I just couldn’t and wouldn’t give up on my son. I appreciate you stopping by and commenting.
Thank you, Marian for alerting me to this writer who has gone through so much life experience that is difficult, yet is using it to help others find their way, and is helping herself at the same time!
I now have come to believe that writing memoir equates (at least to some extent) to doing therapy on yourself. Perhaps Kathy feels the same way. Her hope is that her struggles will help others find their way through the mire of addiction in family members. I feel the same way about the conflict I suffered in my early life.
Thanks, Elfrieda!
Thank you , Elfrieda.I appreciate your lovely comments.
She sounds like an amazing woman.
Yes, Kathy is an amazing women – with heart. That’s why I dub her “steel magnolia”!
Thank you , LadyFi. I appreciate your comment.
Dearest Marian and Kathy, I believe everyone has a book in them, but not everyone can bring it to the table. You ladies are an inspiration.
I am sure your memoir Kathy will bring hope and courage to readers coping with family members in similar situations. Steel magnolia is the perfect description and I wish you much success with both the book and the future move!
Thank you “little Wandering Wren” for your kind words. I am happy to introduce you to Kathy, a woman with a compelling, true story, as you can tell. “-)
Thank you, “little Wandering Wren” for your generous and kind words. I appreciate your good wishes for my memoir.
You say Steel Magnolia – my version has always been Warrior Woman. Congrats to Kathy on her upcoming new release and wishing Kathy a smooth transition for the life changing event. And this was a lovely tribute to Kathy, Marian. 🙂
Actually, what I had in mind with the metaphor was the movie in the late 1980s film Steel Magnolia starring Sally Field, Dolly Parton, and Olympia Dukakis with Julia Robertson: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steel_Magnolias. Kathy could be classified as a Warrior Woman for her indomitable fortitude in the face of huge challenges. 🙂
Yes, I’ve seen that movie countless times. Those magnolias were all warrior women . 🙂
Of course, you have. You are a steel magnolia too, surviving then and thriving now! 🙂
Aw, thanks Marian. From what I’ve been reading, you are certainly in that category too. 🙂
What an interesting observation, dgkaye. I see all mothers of addicted children as warriors. We have to be. Addiction will do anything to steal you child away. Thank you for your good wishes. Marian has indeed written a lovely tribute. I am honored to be here and to meet all you wonderful ladies! I appreciate your stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Absolutely Kathy. Addiction is a force bigger than any one of us. I look forward to reading your book too. Soldier on, and wishing you a smooth transition into your new lifestyle. 🙂
Sorry, I just discovered your fine comment this even at 9:28 pm. You know how it goes: Wrestling all day with email invitations gone wonky, scheduling dates for book signings. At least I see your happy face at this late hour. 😀
Never apologize Marian. I can just imagine what’s on your plate with your upcoming release – been there a few times. 🙂
What clever ladies you both are and what a lucky find to have both met through the love of writing . I personally have found words to be healing . A book is my sanctuary and I shall be reading both yours .
Cherryx
A book is my sanctuary too! (How do you come up with the perfect way to say things, Cherry!) I found Kathy at a wee writer’s retreat of just 6 ladies and found the courage to write a hard chapter for my memoir.
I love hearing from you, Cherry – thank you! <3
Thank you, Cherry for your lovely words. Marian and I indeed did meet through our love of writing. I appreciate your interest in reading my memoir and hope you enjoy it. I know you will enjoy Marian’s wonderful memoir. I appreciate you stopping by and commenting.
Congratulations to both of us. Two books for my reading list. I love the cover and title of your book, Kathy, and I love knowing some of your challenges while making this second book happen. You’re a warrior! It gives me hope since I got stalled by Meniere’s Disease and then a cochlear implant which is much more disorienting than one might imagine. I’m proud to know both of you and look forward to your books.
Thanks for commenting to both of us here, Elaine.
My former neighbor Helen, had a cochlear implant, and a few months after the surgery I spoke to her as though she could hear well, and she gave me a tortured look. Surgeries fix things – right? Now, based on your comment, I have a faint idea what she may have been going through, and I feel sorry I didn’t quite understand at the time.
Dear Elaine, it’s so nice to see you here. I know you have had your challenges with Meniere’s and cochlear implants. Our health becomes a priority but somehow, we find a way to get back to writing. A actually, it’s the writing that gives me solace. I’m so glad you stopped by and shared your thoughts.I wish you a smooth transition to your implant. I didn’t realize how disorienting it can be and hope that resolves in time Thank you for your words of support for our books. Take good care.