Sitting on coquina “rocks” at the Old Fort in St. Augustine, Florida
House on the Rock
“There is nothing more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.”
― Homer, The Odyssey
The House Ways and Means Committee
For 52 years now, Cliff and I have been co-chairs of our House Ways and Means Committee
- We find ways to live within our means.
- We try to avoid being mean in spite of disparate ways of viewing the world, he being from Mars, and I from Venus.
- In conversation, we find ways to figure out what each other means.
The Flashing Fish of Hope
“A Pretty Sweet Thing”
No long-term marriage is made easily, and there have been times when I’ve been so angry or so hurt that I thought my love would never recover. And then, in the midst of near despair, something has happened beneath the surface. A bright little flashing fish of hope has flicked silver fins and the water is bright and suddenly I am returned to a state of love again . . . . I’ve learned that there will always be a next time, and that I will submerge in darkness and misery, but that I won’t stay submerged . . . . The best I can ask for is that this love, which has been built on countless failures, will continue to grow. I can say no more than that this is mystery, and gift, and that somehow or other, through grace, our failures can be redeemed and blessed. ~ Madeleine l’Engle
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“You’re just tired!”
Emma was chopping vegetables for a stir-fry when Chris came home from work one night looking tired and stressed. When she asked him about his day, he just groaned.
Chris started thumbing through the mail . . . and found a Visa bill that showed that Emma had spent more than $100 on meals out with Alice and the twins. “I’m not made of money,” he grumbled.
Although she was tempted to snap at him, Emma had been married for a long time. She knew this wasn’t about the money, but about his day. She stopped chopping and walked over to him. She gave him a hand squeeze and said, “Oh, honey, I’m sorry you had a bad day.” ~ Mary Pipher, Women Rowing North, 184
Our Misunderstanding Under the Bougainvillea: Read about our own big blow-up on foreign soil.
According to my journal, this particular moment lasted “more than an hour and happened in Positano, Italy, a terraced town poised on a peninsula along the Amalfi coast by a vertiginous slope to the sea.”
Upper bougainvillea – where I thought we’d meet
Author friend Elaine Mansfield also attests to having a full-blown argument with her husband, which she records in a post, “The Art of Argument, Essential Marriage Skills 101. Theirs was not a fatal argument either, nor was it a final one, but her story reveals the art of restraint and more, especially at the brink.
My Title, Marriage on the Rocks, is both a Pun and a Teaser
In the photo above, we were sitting on the coquina “rock” of the Old Fort in St. Augustine, our first stop of a day trip getaway! As far as I can tell, our marriage has not yet hit the rocks!
The truth is, our marriage is built on The Rock, a shared faith in God’s power to hold us together, especially in tough times.
Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. ~ Psalm 61:3
The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust: my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. ~ Psalm 18:2
This sentiment is also expressed in a book co-authored by husband and wife Jimmy and Karen Evans:
Welcome here: Your thoughts on marriage and other relationships that need tending!
Note: The first quote has been attributed to Homer, author of the Odyssey. Goodreads, a creditable source, cites him as author. Still, I’m not entirely sure. So many quotations circulate in cyberspace, one has to wonder.
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Many congratulations to you both: a rare feat these days to be sure. I love all those quotations, especially the one from “A Pretty Swet Thing”. Marriage is certainly not a bed of rose’s and we all get hurt and frustrated at times. Trying to “figure out what each other means” should go a long way for understanding and compromise. I wish you both many more years of happiness.
Thank you for the good wishes. You are commenter # 1 today, Fatima. I wonder whether you are still in Switzerland or France. Anyway, it must be about noon in your part of the world.
I wish the same for your and your “Adonis”!
Good morning, Marian! Happy Anniversary (again)! Wishing you and Cliff many more. Your little teaser pun is cute. Such wonderful photos–you and Cliff, that bougainvillea!, and your wedding party! Lovely.
(I don’t know if the quote is Homer or not, but I don’t think Goodreads is a particularly credible source. I have found mistakes there. )
Shirley addressed the source below. I remember believing in school that Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations was the bible for quotes. My, so much has changed since then. I typed Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations into my browser and got an online source for 8000 quotes, but came up empty here: http://www.online-literature.com/quotes/quotation_search.php
Thank you, Merril!
Congratulations on fifty-two years of marriage, Marian. Years ago, I worked eighteen years in domestic law and saw the worst of the worst. One thing I’ve learned in my own relationship is to always say “thank you,” even for the little things the other person does for you. I don’t think there’s ever been a time where Derek hasn’t said, “Thanks for doing the laundry.”
Aww. That’s really sweet, Jill. 😊
I agree with L. Marie, “That’s really sweet!” You picked a good one, Jill.
“Please” and “thank you” help lubricate the marriage gears. Otherwise our mates are tempted to take to think we take them for granted. We can’t let that happen.
Congrats. What an amazing and inspiring achievement to be married as long as you have AND to still be smiling about it. I agree about the rockiness of marriage, both in the literal sense [nice diamond ring] and figurative sense [Psalm 18:2].
I didn’t think about the diamond ring I guess because mine was not “rock” size. And toddler daughter (we think) flushed it down the toilet when she was playing “big Lady”! I do have the memory of first seeing my diamond wrapped in tinfoil, baked in a blueberry muffin.
See, you gave me a literal flashback, Ally!
Oh that’s such a wonderful memory. Sorry the ring is gone, but *hey* the marriage survived just fine without it.
Being a former Mennonite, I didn’t insist on another one. Anyway, it wouldn’t be the same. He-he!
Thank you for sharing this and congratulations!
You’re welcome, Jack!
Congratulations! Marriage is an ongoing experience of learning. We’re about to celebrate thirty years of learning together. Best part? We laugh a lot.
I agree. Laughter helps. Cliff can always make me laugh, even about the hard stuff! Congratulations on almost-30 years, quite a milestone, Arlene!
I can verify the Homer quote. It comes from Nausikaa in The Odyssey. I have used it on many wedding cards for my students. Loved this post, Marian. You and Cliff inspire me and all your friends, I am sure.
You are a credible source, Shirley. I’ll have to make a note of it. Even when I typed “Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations” into my browser, I came up with nothing. Your students are fortunate to have you as a source of inspiration and continuing education. 🙂
Congratulations on 52 years! I know so many young people who are terrified of marriage, thanks to the broken marriages they’ve observed. It’s great to see marriages that have gone the distance. And thank you for sharing those quotes and tips. 😊
Many congratulations to you both Marian! If rocks can weather storms, so too can you both, and very many do. Many more happy and fulfilling years to you both. My husband is my earthly rock and my spiritual one is the Lord.
Your last line is quotable: My husband is my earthly rock and my spiritual one is the Lord. Tht rings true for me. Thanks, Susan!
You’re welcome, L. Marie. I too have heard the “I don’t want to marry because . . . !” So, they continue to be fiance and fiancee. It’s sad, but I understand the hesitation for people from unhappy homes. :-/
From another one who has been married over 50 years: L’Engle’s quote rings so true. Thanks for that! And I loved the three most important words in a marriage that Shirley Showalter quoted in a recent post: “You’re probably right.”
Yes, I read Shirley’s recent post on her Jubilee celebration. For other readers who haven’t seen it, here’s the link: https://www.shirleyshowalter.com/the-three-most-important-words-in-marriage-fifty-years-of-learning-together/
Thank you, Elfrieda.
Marian — Congratulations on 52 years! In March, Len and I will celebrate 40 years. I have found what Arlene said to be true: “Marriage is an ongoing experience of learning.” We, too, laugh — A LOT!
Learning and laughing a lot, a nice succession of L’s, Laurie. Congratulations to you and Len for 40 years! The traditional gift for that accomplishment is ruby. If that’s not to your taste, 45 is sapphire, which looks like the color of your Gravatar photo. Ha!
Congrats on 52 years of marriage. What a blessing. Pablo and i have been married 31years this year. It wasn’t a bed of roses but it has been a strong loving and fighting together to keep the flames going. He is my best friend we work together in keeping the family together. You and Cliff are a great pair. I pray many more years for the both of you. It saddens me when people throw in the towel on their marriage. Or these that say they will never marry. What they are missing. Enjoy your day trips.
You and Pablo have weathered many a storm. Many marrieds cannot call their mates “best friend” as you do.
Thank you for your best wishes too. We all need encouragement, Gloria.
Congratulations! Having just married last year, I know we won’t get to 50 years of marriage. We were each single for a very long time, and are learning the dance of being a couple. Right now we are maintaining two households, he in our condo [and still working], me in our new-to-us retirement house 765 miles away. It will be another 8 months before we are under the same roof again. There is a steep learning curve facing both situations, and we talk a lot about the challenges. I feel blessed that he also understands the power of communication.
Wow, now that’s a LOT! But you will climb to the top of the hill on your learning curve intact, because you keep the lines of communication open, a wonderful thing. Thanks for giving us a slice of your life now. Here’s to continued joy in the journey too. I think we readers will want an update. 🙂
Thanks, Ginger!
What an absolutely wonderful reflection on the realities of a long-term marriage and how to make it work, Marian. And congratulations on 52 years! No small accomplishment, Love the photos and anecdotes along with treasure trove of reading materials. Wishing you and Cliff many more years.
Thank you, Kathy. What’s life without a challenge. (Of course, you see me smiling – right?) Know that my prayers follow you and Wayne in your transition this year. Blessings, too!
Congratulations on your enduring marriage. It takes work and compromise but it is worth it. The pictures are wonderful.
Work and compromise, that’s it. This week we had to negotiate two opposing opinions about sharing a gift to someone. We met in the middle on the amount. Honestly, I don’t have the energy for a big argument. 🙂
Thanks for your wisdom, Darlene.
Congratulations on a beautiful life together for these 52 years! Your marriage on The Rock is true inspiration to many among your family and friends and likely those only observing from afar. Enjoyed the quotes and images, Marian. Sending wishes to you and Cliff for many more years.
Interesting that the New York Times ran a recent front page story on how young women in Japan are increasingly forgoing marriage. They find its confines and double standards stifling, and some are going so far as to hold “weddings” honoring their proud single status. Marriage has always been an institution that favored men, unless you were one of the lucky ones, as I was, marrying a great guy who changed diapers and cooked meals without complaints and never failed to stop saying he loved me.
That said, I have had the experience both of marriage and being alone, a journey which as the women in Japan have discovered opens you up to pursuing careers and creative passions. It’s the subject of my new memoir. Anyway, blessings to you and Cliff and congratulations with hopes of many more anniversaries to come.
The NYTimes article looks fascinating. I’m glad you are among the lucky ones, marrying a West Point graduate who wasn’t beneath changing diapers and cooking meals without complaints and never failing to stop saying he loved you.
Readers who haven’t read Susan’s memoir, here is her tribute to this special man: Again in a Heartbeat: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004774MOW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
From my desk chair, I can see on my bookshelf your novel based on this true story: A Portrait of Love and Honor.
Susan, best wishes, on your new endeavor charting the course for the single life. Many of my friends are alone, as I may be one day. Your book will be a balm and a guidebook.
Thank you so much, Sherrey! Your Bob appears to be a “rock” a well. We appreciate your good wishes. 🙂
(Sorry, I can’t seem to get my reply to post under your comment.)
Marriage can be very difficult at times. But if you work at it, it’s absolutely wonderful. Congrats to you two and may you have many more years together..
Bill and I have been married for 54 Years. I cannot remember a time when he wasn’t with me!
Bill has lived through the experience of Scattering Ashes, and then, he saw you through the travail of writing about this experience, editing, and book publication. That is A LOT! Authors who publish books with a supportive spouse are fortunate.
Congratulations on 54 years together. That’s awesome, Joan!
Congratulations again on your 52nd wedding anniversary, Marian and Cliff. That is more than impressive! You must know and love each other through and through. And, respect each other and many more things. As husband and wife, you have been through so many experiences and life-changing events and you have been a team, always!
My memoir covers a lot of relationship occurrences as well. When you live 24/7 together with your partner for over a decade, there are ups and downs, but the connection grows. Many stories to tell and arguments had! 🙂
(I just saw a comment from you arrive in my inbox. Funny, we are visiting each other’s blogs at the same time again.)
As you know, some goofy gremlins at WordPress won’t let me actually subscribe to your blog, so I find it on Facebook.
Yes, we have had quite a journey: Honeymoon in a pickup with a topper in the Smokies where we could never find level ground. About 5 years later, living in a travel trailer with two babies for a year and a half, constantly moving. After that, 10 years Cliff spent 10 years teaching (stable in a house) and, finally, he traveled for 25 years all over the country with his art/music show, coming home most weekends. Now he’s semi-retired, but takes his computer to a coffee shop most of the day to work on art projects. It’s an unconventional life, but we made it work somehow. Who wants to be “normal” anyway – ha!
Thanks for checking in today, Liesbet. 🙂
Lovely pun here. One of my favorite marriage books for many years has been “As for me and my house” by Walt Wangerin. He not only writes of their marriage with great vulnerability, but has such a poetic and literary way of writing that his prose just sings. As a pastor he also has practical experience knowing the ups and downs others experience. https://www.amazon.com/House-Crafting-Your-Marriage-Last/dp/0785266712
Thanks for the recommendation here, Melodie. The book sounds wonderful; you probably edited it.
On another note, the Mennonite World Review editors did respond right away in July, but their emails reply went into my SPAM folder and I found it just yesterday. Ugh! Anyway, they want a copy to review, so we’ll see. 🙂
Have a wonderful trip!
I just ordered this. What a tribute to an author whose books are still valued, and in demand. Thanks, Melodie!
Your title is catch, but didn’t fool me, I knew the only rock in the post was the one in the photo, lol. I’m with you on all counts Marian. I write a lot about those ‘differences’ in a marriage in my book Twenty Years. 🙂 P.S. – still no book! 🙁
An author in British Columbia got her book on Tuesday, I think. I could send you an E-proof which wouldn’t be as much fun to read or wait until your softcover arrives. Your call.
Yes, I remember reading and reviewing your book on marriage. You know all about negotiation and compromise – and arguments too! Such fun making up though. Right? 😀
Lol Marian, fun making up were the good old days. Nowadays it’s just easier to compromise 🙂 And no worries, I feel in my inner knowing your book will show up today! 🙂
Of course you will let me know pronto. That’s how you rock! 😀
I do so! LOL. Just got home from a very mercurial day. Will go down to mailbox this evening and check 🙂 x
Debby, let’s hope you go from mercurial to mailbox to memoir very soon!
Yay, just got it!!!!! 🙂 😉
Glory Hallelujah, Debby! Mailed on July 26 and received today: About 2 weeks! Because it was an international mailing, I could not get a tracking number for it. 🙂
Well it’s here now, and I began enjoying it last night!!!! Love that you included diagrams and the family tree. Do let us know when the book goes live so I can have you over to my blog!!! 🙂
That’s good to hear! I’ll be in touch with blog reports and emails. I’m glad you are enjoying it already. (( ))
Thoroughly enjoying and relating. I remember when you and I first met as bloggers and you were working on the book and you told me we had some similar things in our past. Despite the difference in our childhoods, I totally get you know. 🙂
What a compliment! That means our books have universal appeal, the goal of every writer. Specific details may differ but readers in general can relate in their own experience.
You are helping me start a busy week with a lighter heart. THANKS, Debby! <3
You know me, just sayin’ my truth. Absolutely, you will find in coming reviews how people can certainly relate to their own issues from us sharing ours. Congrats again Marian, it’s a beautiful book from cover to story. <3
Hugs ((( ))) to my great encourager!
You rock! <3
Marriage is indeed a garden that withers without tenderness. Congrats on your many years of marriage!
Thank you, Lady Fi!
You have stimulated my mind again, as you usually do. We celebrated our 60th anniversary in June. 60 years equals: five children, two daughters-in-law, two sons-in-law, 15 grandchildren, three granddaughters-in-law, one great-grandson. Our 60 years hasn’t been all fun and games but it has been love, perseverance, patience, and love! I’m hoping for many more years. My parents were married 72 years, so I’m hoping…
Congratulations, Anita! THAT is a marvelous milestone. You probably know that “Diamond” is the gift for that anniversary just like the 50th is Golden. I have a feeling you will reach – and surpass – your parents’ 72 years. What a productive marriage and life you have had! Thanks for chiming in.
Thanks, Marian, for being patient with me. I’ve never been 80 before and it’s quite interesting, challenging, frustrating, and sometimes even maddening! But I’m not giving up…yet! Friends like you are wanted and needed!
I understand about waning strength, Anita. Honestly, I believe this book is being published in the nick of time. After the writing, editing, and printing comes marketing, a task I’m trying accomplish before the September 14 launch – and some afterwards.
It’s possible I have mentioned to you that I have macular degeneration, for which there is treatment, thank God! I don’t want to go blind and lose my ability to drive, read, and see my loved ones. You and I are not quitters, so we’ll persist – and takes daily naps!
I always welcome your comments; that’s for sure.
I love the word play with “ways” and “means”! I have watched first-hand how the two of you have communicated for at least 48 of those 52 years, and have leaned so much from those interactions!
I forgot to say, Happy Anniversary to you both- so Happy Anniversary! Yours is s a rare rock that hasn’t cracked from the emotional erosion of life.
This is SO sweet, Joel. You are saying Happy Anniversary in the most profound way possible, here and in your own family. You know how hard (and how rewarding) the struggle is for a stable family life.
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! I’ll be sure dad reads this! <3
This is wonderful, including the terrific title. The solid rock we can count on and not the kind we throw. I love watching your love through your blog, Marian. Thanks for sharing it. Happy anniversary. You are so fortunate to have discovered the ways and to honor all this means.
Thanks for honoring me and my marriage, Marian. I always felt that learning to fight without deep wounding was an essential skill. My husband and I didn’t fight much, but my favorite argument memory after 42 years with Vic happened just 2 weeks before his death. We both knew the end was coming within weeks or months and we were exhausted and frazzled, sleepless and grieving and so in love. But he wouldn’t take his medicine, damn it! With all those complex cancer fighting medicines I put in his pill box each week, it was the 4 doses of tylenol a day he couldn’t remember. It kept him from having 104-105 fevers in the night with me hopping around at 3 am with hot water bottles and electric blankets and my own warm body trying to warm his helpless teeth-chattering shivers.. It could all be prevented by taking Tylenol throughout the day but he kept forgetting. I threatened I wouldn’t help him when those night fevers spiked. I wept. He called me a cry baby. (I weep as I write this.) And then we turned to each other, paused, and laughed for a long time. After a long laugh at the ridiculousness of letting off steam by fighting and a longer hug, I figured out a plan where I could put his pills in a dish each morning and he could make a check when he took each of 4 doses. If he skipped a dose and he often did, the pills were in the dish and I could make sure he got them before I tried to get some rest. I love that the last fight ended with laughing at ourselves.
Thank you for all this, especially the last anecdote, Elaine: You knew emotions ran high and deep as you both struggled physically, he with the ravages of the disease and you, totally exhausted. What a “flashing fish of hope”!
What a delicious blog full of insight and truth and humor about the joys (and not-so-joyous parts too) of being in a long-term loving relationship. I relate to everything you write here. And you quote Madeleine L’Engle, one of my idols and mentors! The way she writes about relationships and family and children and parenting and love always takes my breath away. I also enjoyed the Pipher story. I think that’s sometimes the hardest thing for a couple to understand – not to take another’s anger personally, since it’s not really about the anger-receiver, but much more about the anger-giver. (Poor English, but you know what I’m talking about) I don’t think a marriage can work unless it’s full of compromise and compassion and deep-down understanding of the wonderfulness of the partner. And I like what Jill says too: many “thank you’s” help. Happy Happy Anniversary. <3
Pam, I can tell you took the time to read the comments, very meaningful since I know you are busy with your book launch! Madeleine l”Engle is well known for her famous “A Wrinkle in Time,” but about 2 years ago someone introduced me to her Crosswicks Journal: I loved “The Summer of the Great-Grandmother” and “A Circle of Quiet.”
You obviously understand the value of keeping relationships well-oiled as I observe you with your husband and grandchildren. Brava!