How We Stood
On Saturday, August 5, 1967, Cliff and I stood before the pastor of Calvary Presbyterian Church in Charlotte, North Carolina and pledged our troth with words adapted from the Book of Common Prayer.
As we stood, we promised before God to love and cherish . . . to honor . . . to sustain in sickness as in health, in poverty as in wealth, in the bad that may darken [our] days, in the good that may lighten [our] way, and to be true. I did not promise to obey my husband. Why would I need to do that if I loved, honored, and remained true to him?
Then the minister intoned, “Then are you devoted to each other until death parts you.”
One of our wedding cards, silvery, rang a clear bell of promise, this one from my oldest cousin Dotty Metzler Martin and her husband Ervin.
Now we are celebrating our Golden Anniversary. After 50 years, we are still standing. But not alone then or now . . .
We stood with Our Witnesses
My sisters Jean and Janice at left; Cliff’s sister Joyce on right
groomsman Don Chapman; my father Ray Longenecker and best man Paul Mumma and groomsman James Fairfield
We stood with Friends
Friends from Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, drove the long distance that hot August weekend from Lancaster County to Charlotte, North Carolina. We were touched by their presence.
The attendees below represent three segments of my life then: Miriam Hess from Bossler Mennonite Church, John Herr and wife Joann, who accompanied me earlier on a trip West, colleague Verna Mohler [Colliver] and then Dean of Girls Alta Hoover [Ranck], friends from Lancaster Mennonite School.
Slide from the Ruth Martin Longenecker archives
Photo restoration, Cliff Beaman
We stood with Parents
Cliff’s parents and sisters Joyce and Kathy took a northern route in a RV all the way from Washington state passing through Detroit, Michigan during the race riots that year.
Standing by Words
Wendell Berry, in his essay On Poetry and Marriage affirms that “The meaning of marriage begins in the giving of words. We cannot join ourselves to one another without giving our word . . . .”
He is quoted again in BrainPickings along with some delightful illustrations about marriage by Maurice Sendak.
Standing Tall in All Sorts of Weather
This from an essay On Marriage Theodor Gottliebe von Hippel dated 1772:
If a man could receive the advantages of marriage without the duty of standing day and night at a woman’s side in all sorts of wind and weather, then nobody would hesitate to get married.
And in Ada Calhoun’s Wedding Toasts I’ll Never Give, the author’s therapist Asia Wong offers wise advice:
. . . you need to figure out how to build sway into a marriage, the way you do into the foundation of a building. She [Asia] says that just as a tall building or bridge without room to expand or contract, to move in stiff winds, falls down, so a marriage that’s too rigid crumbles at the first tremor.
Why I Married You
I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage.
~ Mrs. Antrobus in Thornton Wilder’s The Skin of Our Teeth
Excerpt from “The Longly-Weds Know” by Leah Furnas:
That it isn’t about the Golden Anniversary at all, / but about all the unremarkable years that Hallmark doesn’t even make a card for.
Now we’re off to celebrate our 50th . . . will return in two weeks on August 9 with more wedding reflections.
Good morning, Marian! I enjoyed the photos and quotations. I love your smile in the top wedding photo.
Enjoy your trip. Much happiness now and always to you and Cliff!
You are the early bird again this morning, Merril. And you and Doug have stood on your promises too, quite obvious by his appearance every Monday on your Musings. I’m glad you liked the quotations. You’d enjoy Ada Calhoun’s book for sure.
Happy 50th Anniversary … and many more. God bless you both.
Thank you for the good wishes – and the blessing, Lynn.
Thanks for sharing your beautiful photographs. Happy Anniversary! Enjoy!
Jill, you live in Charlotte too. Right? I’m guessing the church is still on East Morehead Street. When I googled it, one link mentioned that it is now an interdenominational church that conducts holy mass.
Yes, I live in Charlotte. I’m not sure if it’s the same church, Marian. There are churches on every corner down here! 🙂
Sort of like in Jacksonville, the bottom of the Deep South belt. 😀
Congratulations to you both on your upcoming Golden Anniversary. We’ve just celebrated our 20th, so we are real novices compared to you. I like what you say about celebrating the mundane days (unremarkable years) for which there isn’t a card at all. It is everyday challenges and battles that make a marriage, the tears and the laughter, the joys and sorrows. I am very happy to know that you have conquered them all! All the best now and always.
Fatima, twenty years is nothing to sneeze at, especially since you and Peter are traveling one whole year together through Europe. From our experience, travel is intense living and brings with it tests of a different kind. But you are old hands at it with lots of miles together in your caravan. Thanks for the good wishes too!
Congratulations marian. That is a milepost indeed.
Thank you, Linda, all the way from Australia. I think you have written an extensive family history and now may be working on your father’s biography. Good to hear from you again. Thanks for the good wishes.
All of us with marriages that have withstood the ‘ravages of time,’ and the “duty of standing day and night” at each other’s side, the cries of our babies and the emptying of the nest, the changes of time and the wrinkles in time, all of us should shout across the rooftops “LOVE LASTS.” And that kind of love is the most beautiful gift of all.
Happy Anniversary, you two love birds. xoxo
Many loud voices scream negatives from the rooftops. I like your idea of broadcasting the good and honorable. Thank you, Pam
YES!!! And thank you for sharing your good news here. You two are beautiful.
I am so happy for both of you. Fifty years sounds so long, and yet these years do fly by. Have a wonderful trip and know that your friends are still cheering you on!
Thanks for the cheers, dear Hope. If you have been following me here for very long, you notice I haven’t been in Jacksonville very much this year. Cliff and I do want to attend one of your concerts before long. Such fun – what talent!
Thank you for these wonderful quotes about marriage from such an interesting variety of sources.
You and Cliff make 50 years look both easy and fun, although I am sure that not all of it is or was. Bless you for standing on your promises and offering an image of commitment and hope to others.
We have just taken a trip to the Baltic region in honor of Stuart’s brother Harley and wife Sadie’s 50th. So good to honor major milestones in good company.
I am in the process of revising a speech called “The Purpose of Memories.” I came up with identity, courage, and hope (miracle) as three purposes. You two exemplify all three.
Yes, I have enjoyed the vicarious experience of traveling with you and the celebrants. Soon it will be your turn for 50 years.
You mentioned the quotes. Though I’m not in academia anymore, I still enjoy research. One of the quotes I didn’t include was advice from Ada Calhoun’s mother: If you want to stay married, “don’t get divorced!”
As you suspect, our marriage has not always been a bed of roses. One of our first tests came when Cliff went on the road with his art shows with me, an infant son and toddler daughter, towing a 25-foot travel trailer. I feared for my sanity. Yes, I wrote about it; maybe I’ll publish it one day.
Thank you for the good wishes – and all the best as you revise and deliver the speech. I’d love to hear it!
Wonderful precious memories. Happy Anniversary, Marian and Cliff.
Thank you, Linda. So glad the skies in British Columbia have cleared for you – and for us. We take off soon for Vancouver and Victoria.
Good morning, Marian, and Congratulations to you and Cliff. What an exciting opportunity for a holiday. I very much enjoyed those photos — so very true to the era. And I loved the quotes. They reminded me of one I’m still not sure about; what do you think? “The key to a successful marriage is lowered expectations.”
On a happier note, my favorite wedding toast remains, “Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight it out.” (I believe it’s a Joan Rivers classic).
Lowered expectations? Maybe. I do know we can’t depend a mate to meet all of our needs.
You mentioned the quotes. Ada Calhoun, whose book I highly recommend, observed that in her experience in the morning after she went to bed angry, it dawned on her the argument happened mostly because she was tired – ha!
I’m glad you enjoyed the vintage photos. I’m guessing though that none of your wedding guests wore Mennonite caps!
Good point. Probably not.
Happy Anniversary! Love reading this and seeing the photos. Enjoy your 50th celebration!
Thank you, Nancy, for appearing in this column. I love your farm photos on Facebook featuring the beauty I remember from Lancaster County. Keep them coming!
So happy for you and Cliff on your 50th Anniversary. Warm wishes and blessings for many more. I love this essay and the wonderful photos. ❤️💕
Thank you, Beverly, dear writer friend. So happy to have you alongside as we travail through memoir. Like marriage, I suppose, it is a labor of love. Otherwise, why would we persist? Ha!
Congratulations, Marian. What can I say except how blessed you both are to have found lifelong partners and the love of your lives. And how fortunate that serious illness has not come your way. Your photos are lovely. Enjoy your two-week honeymoon!
Susan, I always feel a twinge of sorrow when I post pieces like this, knowing that like you, many readers have experienced an early loss of companionship either through death or divorce. Your book A Portrait of Love and Honor stands on my bookshelf as testament to the enduring love you and John shared.
Thanks for the good wishes!
Marian. You should not feel sorrow. I think fifty years is a tremendous accomplishment. My parents stayed married for fifty-five years, but the last ten of those were miserable for both of them.You and Cliff must rejoice in your partnership, your good luck and your blessings. Do I wish John and I had had fifty years? Of course. But it was not meant to be. As he said, and which I quoted in A Portrait of Love and Honor and Again in a Heartbeat. “I played the hand I was dealt.” At the end of his life, he died an honorable man without regret, except for leaving me and the boys too soon.
Thank you.
Enjoy your 50-year wedding trip! I will be anxious to follow along. Congrats and I’m always happy to be learning from fellow travelers in the life & marriage journey, and we do share a lot in common as former Mennonite/now Presbyterian folks, and lovers of the great state of Florida. I love your aisle picture–so radiant; Cliff so tall and strong looking. You both turn heads! Blessings on your 50 years and for the journey ahead.
Yes, we have shared a similar path, departing as we both did from the Mennonite tradition. I don’t know about you, but I think that strong culture has been imprinted on my life forever. I especially appreciate you good wishes for the journey ahead. We are feeling our limitations now and want to take advantage of traveling days as long as we can. Thanks, Melodie!
Beautiful sister, beautiful photos and beautiful write up. Love, Jean
Thanks for reading and commenting here.. You are one of the beautiful people featured here too, remember that!
Congratulations on your golden anniversary! How wonderful! I loved seeing your wedding pictures! Thanks for sharing them with us! Best wishes as you celebrate!
Thanks, Anita. There are more wedding pictures on last year’s post, Give and Take with Cake. You can take a wild guess about the content of the photos – ha! https://marianbeaman.com/2016/08/03/give-and-take-with-cake/
Marian (and Cliff), Congratulations!. Those early days at University Baptist (circa 1971 & beyond) were a real blessing to have you as friends. Your hospitality was so warm and genuine. Susan and I wish you the best. God bless.
Thanks for sharing here and also on LinkedIn. And best wishes to you and Susan in your ministry “Faithful and True” (http://904true.org) to help build strong marriages too!
I love the photos of your wedding. You both look so happy! And still do!! Happy 50th Anniversary, a real milestone. The quotes are wonderful. Enjoy your trip
You observe every detail, Darlene. Thanks for all the good wishes here too.
MANY congratulations to you both Marian and Cliff!!! This is wonderful! They say the first 50 years are the hardest – so here’s to the next! I loved the beautiful photos (clearly a teenage bride), the quotes and the comments including the extras! The Word – very powerful words.
My husband says he could if he wanted, have 16 wives – for (4) better, for (4) worse, for (4) richer, for (4 poorer) ….
Have a wonderful time away!
Not quite a teenage bride, Susan. In fact, I had 3 years of teaching under my belt before the wedding. But thanks anyway. I love your husband’s clever quip. I’ll have to find somewhere to use that one!
How wonderful to celebrate your 50 years with you in this blog. What a miracle that you found each other.
I especially enjoy the link to Brain Pickings and exploring Wendell Berry’s thoughts on form and mystery and how like a poem is marriage. “In marriage as in poetry, the given word implies the acceptance of a form that is never entirely of one’s own making. When understood seriously enough, a form is a way of accepting and of living within the limits of creaturely life. We live only one life, and die only one death. A marriage cannot include everybody, because the reach of responsibility is short. A poem cannot be about everything, for the reach of attention and insight is short.”
Your blog is helping me to savor the form and mysteries, the poetry, of my own marriage (going on 36 yrs). Thank you Marian.
It was a miracle, Dolores. My next door neighbor introduced me to Cliff as a blind-date. Yes, it had to be a God-thing. I wrote about it here: https://marianbeaman.com/2013/03/19/how-we-met-carebear-cliff/
I had not heard of Wendell Berry until recently and have enjoyed uncovering his farmer/writer wisdom this past month or so. Thank you for adding this quote. And congratulations on your 36-year achievement. It’s quite a journey, each special in its own way. Thank you!
I’m glad you’ve found Wendell Berry. Here’s the beginning of one my favorite Wendell Berry poems: “If we will have the wisdom to survive, to stand like slow-growing trees on a ruined place, renewing, enriching it…” Title of poem: “Work Song”
Thank you for calling attention to a Wendell Berry poem I’ve never read: http://juliegabrielli.com/lifesaving/poetry/work-song-part-2-a-vision/
I especially like the progression from memory –> legend –> song –> sacrament
What richness here, like fertile earth . . .
My urban “farmer” son Joel, the beekeeper, bought me a bin for composting for my birthday. Just thought I’d mention this, seems to fit here.
Marian — A joyous 50th wedding anniversary to you and Cliff.
“That it isn’t about the Golden Anniversary at all, / but about all the unremarkable years that Hallmark doesn’t even make a card for.” yes, Yes, YES!
Have a wonderful trip!
Thank you, siSTAR Laurie!
Congratulations on your golden anniversary! We’re only 21 in and it often feels like more…(as in serving a life sentence-ha!) But that’s part of the journey too – the good days and the days you want to run away with the circus! Blessings on your “honeymoon” trip and in the many years still to come! 🙂
I love your wry writing humor. That’s why I keep appearing in your blog comments. Thanks for the blessings, Jenn.
Happy holidays and Happy Anniversary and what a fitting post you have written your love for Cliff shines through…..Beautiful photographs as well ….Have fun and laugh a lot on your holiday 🙂
After we catch our breaths and rest after the flight, I’m sure we’ll have plenty of laughs. Thank you, Carol.
You are welcome, Marian…Enjoy!
Congratulations and all best wishes!
Thanks for the kind comment, much appreciated, Jack!
Thank you, Marian, for sharing about one of the most important events of your life. I remember reading about how you and Cliff met on a blind date. Ours too was quite the miracle, and I will share about it soon because our 50th is coming up in January.
Oh, I can’t wait, Elfrieda. Nothing like a love story to oil the often cranky machinery of life. I look forward to reading your sweet story in January. The word miracle has me waiting with baited breath!
Many congratulations Marian and wonderful photos and memories of that lovely Day…look forward to more when you return.. ♥
Thank you, Sally! I plan to be back with more words – and a song. (Note: I’m not the singer . . . )
Lovely will look forward to it. x
🙂
Congrats Marian and Cliff. I feel we have become reacquainted from our early Bossler years.
Have a wonderful celebratory trip.
I feel the same way, Reba. I have some more mementoes from Grandma and Ruthie’s attic squirreled away for future posts. Because you know my history (some of it overlapping too), you will appreciate them. You must have met Cliff at Ruthie’s funeral if not before. Thank you!
Congratulations on your 50th Wedding anniversary 🙂 We were married at Lancaster Mennonite School in March of 1966 so we had our 50th last year 🙂 Our four married children got ‘the act” together and we celebrated here in AL with lots of family & friends. I remember Alta Hoover as my dorm matron at LMS many years ago 🙂 I came to B-Ham AL in 1964. met my hubby and have been in Alabama ever since. I enjoy reading your blog and the pictures are so special 🙂
Bertha, you are the first one to comment on someone pictured here from long ago. I still have part of a glass tea set Alta Hoover gave to me. Sometimes we’d sit in her office and just talk. I felt awkward as a teacher having to live in the dormitory. After the first year, Verna Mohler, also pictured, and two other teachers found more private quarters on the edge of the campus.
I’m glad you had a wonderful 50th celebration, remembering your wedding on the LMS campus – that’s something! Thanks for reading my blog and joining the conversation.
I am hopping up and down with joy here Marian , oh and the tears did I mention the tears . So beautiful, I am just a hopeless romantic …they are now carrying me away .😊
I didn’t vow to obey either …it’s been thirty years for us in December …we have a lot of catching up to do . Have a lovely time my darling , give that gorgeous husband of yours a cuddle from me .
🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂xxxxx
Cherryx
Why don’t we join hands and do the hopping – ha! I’ll give that husband of mine a cuddle – after we get into the wild blue yonder. You are sweet to wish us well. Thank you, Cherry! xxxooo
Happy Anniversary to you two! Isn’t it amazing how the years stream by and there is still love in our hearts for our one and only!
I remember the romantic scene with you and Bill – we all are so fortunate after all these years, Joan, and so grateful!
What a beautiful tribute to your wedding day Marian. The photos and the quotes were beautiful. You still look beautiful my perennial friend. Wishing you both a Happy Anniversary and a wonderful honeymoon! 🙂 x
One of us in our family packs too much and the overage ends up in my suitcase. I’m not naming names – ha! You well know how much marriage requires give and take! Thanks for the good wishes!
Lol! I would have expected the other way around. My overage ends up in my husband’s bag. I’ve learned to put up with the grunts, lol. Enjoy! 🙂
This time on our trip to B.C. he snuck a few items into my suitcase – Not surprised, I wailed, “Lo, and behold!” Once on a cruise he had so many paper bags besides his normal suitcase allotment, I stood elsewhere in the line to board the boat because I was so embarrassed.
“But I might need this,” he pleads. I guess there can be only one backrat per family. Ha!
LOL that is so funny Marian! I might have inched away from the Bag man myself. 🙂
Awww – how wonderful! And congratulations.
Thanks for the nod here, Fiona. 🙂
Enjoy your travels celebrating!
We are enjoying the cool breezes of British Columbia and a chance for a slower pace. Thanks for the good wishes!
Congratulations on your anniversary. Best wishes for many more. What about your parents? I don’t see any picture of them.
Athanasia, this time I wanted Cliff’s parents to stand out for two reasons: 1. I had never shown them before on my blog, and 2. because I have devoted many blog posts to my parents earlier. Here is one with my dad escorting me down the aisle: https://marianbeaman.com/2013/06/08/wedding-on-the-cheap/
And another about my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary: https://marianbeaman.com/2015/10/21/a-sparkling-40th-wedding-anniversary/ (My father died after their 44th.)
Thank you for reading and noticing. You keep me on my toes! 🙂
Happy 50th Anniversary, Marian and Cliff! Wishing you many more happy years together. How very special that you posted my sister’s card. Special that you saved that for 50 years. I have our wedding cards and our 50th anniversary cards too.
How nice to see you here, Gerry. I tossed many items when we moved last year, but that tiny card seemed so special, it was spared. I hope you will visit here again. Thanks, dear cousin!
Fifty years…what a blessing! My husband and I will celebrate 40 years in October. It seems like a moment ago at times, and others…I feel like I’ve been with him forever.
Thank you for the comment, Timeless-lady, and welcome to my blog. I like to think marriages are ageless – perhaps timeless as your headline suggests. I imagine mates feel an enduring connection to each other even after one dies, strong ties that exist beyond grief.
And congratulations on your upcoming 40th. May you enjoy many more!
Dear Marian, I cried from beginning to end. The grief of not having a 50th with Vic hit hard, not jealousy but the poignancy of love. Vic and I read a wrenching poem I still love at our wedding, but at our 41st anniversary (we thought it might be our last) and 42nd (a few weeks before his death), we read the last three stanzas of Robert Bly’s “After the Koln Concert.”
“…When men and women come together,
how much they have to abandon. Wrens
make their nests of fancy threads
and string ends, animals
abandon all their money each year.
What is it that men and women leave?
Harder than wrens’ doing, they have
to abandon their longing for the perfect.
The inner nest not made by instinct
will never be quite round,
and each has to enter the nest
made by the other imperfect bird.
Blessed and Joyful 50th Anniversary and may there be many more, each more precious than the one before.
Your heart pangs will be mine or Cliff’s one day. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that “at last one shall lay the other into the arms of God,” as the words in our marriage prayer of 1967 proclaimed. We talked of death today as a part of life, something we never did on other anniversaries.
Thank you for including the poem. The lines “Wrens make their homes of fancy threads” resonated with me especially because this morning I read the poignant letter in Krista Tippett’s On Being website: https://onbeing.org/blog/kao-kalia-yang-your-threads-have-come-undone-a-letter-to-a-grieving-husband/?utm_source=On+Being+Newsletter&utm_campaign=d466369751-20170805_mary_catherine_bateson_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_1c66543c2f-d466369751-69825957&goal=0_1c66543c2f-d466369751-69825957&mc_cid=d466369751&mc_eid=f4378d646b
I read it twice: First for the message itself and a second time to hear the heart-beat of the empathetic writer seeking to assuage another’s grief. Blessings to you today. I accept your generous anniversary wish. Thank you, thank you!
I read that piece, too, Marian and planned to share it on my FB page Monday. It’s wonderful and full of truth.
I like when serendipitous things like this happen. Who knew that “threads” could be such a wondrous metaphor here. 🙂
In an age where married is all too easily undertaken and all too easily dissolved, it is wonderful to see one that has lasted so long and is still obviously filled with love. Congratulations.
Thank you, Marie. The years are mounting between you and Commando too, I believe. Cheers to long and happy marriages! Never perfect, but happy just the same.
Wonderful memory, Marian. Beautiful bride!
Thank you, Jack!
I loved reading this and reflecting on my own marriage. We’ll celebrate 60 years in June 2019. I love that we’re still in love! I can feel and sense your love in your writing! Thanks for sharing with us, your readers and friends.
Thanks for chiming in her, Anita. You and I are fortunate to have happy, loving marriages, such a rare thing these days!