An Anniversary Meditation
Under a colorful collage created by Artist Cliff, I’ve stored 3 hatboxes. They sit on the rattan coffee table in our lanai. One is floral, another has a repeating Tuscan scene and the third is transparent, the contents held taut by pale blue gossamer fabric. All of them are stuffed to the gills with snippets gathered over years and years.
Isolated at home this past year, I had plenty of time to peer inside the boxes for wisdom, curated from magazines I’ve perused. Some clippings, from the previous century, smelled musty with age.
Have a closer look!
Among the snippets, I’ve found vignettes that fit my blog themes. Some on the topic of marriage. . .
Cliff and I have been together for more than 55 years. This year we are celebrating our 54th wedding anniversary. It’s a milestone, especially after surviving over a year of lockdown with restrictions on seeing our families, and ex-treeeeem-ly close contact, which once erupted into a heated exchange one Sunday early in the pandemic, which I described in this post.
***
From the hatboxes and otherwise, I give you homespun wisdom . . . in the earliest editions of The Saturday Evening Post. Here, William Penn offered his guidance on choosing a wife.
This, from the January-February 2021 edition.
William Penn Google Image
Marital Advice, 1821 (August 18, 1821)
Do thou be wise—prefer the person before money, virtue before beauty, the mind before the body—then thou hast a wife, a friend, a companion, a second self, one that bear an equal share with thee in all thy toils and troubles. Saturday Evening Post, 1821
“Love the One You’re With” ~ Letty Cottin Pogrebin
Letty Cottin Pogrebin, Facebook Anniversary photo
from ELLE magazine 2001
This is one of the unadvertised bonuses of marriage. It gives your life a witness. It provides two memories to reconstruct past events and two sets of eyes to squint into the future.
This is not to say that long term relationships don’t have their rough patches, or that every couple is effortlessly compatible, or every marriage worth saving. But when the building blocks are there, the key to a passionate marriage may well lie in the little-noticed word in the wedding vows, cherish. My understanding of the vow? Cultivate one another’s pleasure with utmost care and affection. Never take your beloved for granted. Always put your appreciation and love for each other into words. Savor your memories. And take time to celebrate yourselves. (115)
The Secret of Staying Married
Judith Viorst, Facebook image
Still married after all these years?
No mystery
We are each other’s habit,
And each other’s history.
The Marriage Box, a contribution from the blog of writer and friend Elfrieda Schroeder
Elfrieda Shroeder, Facebook
The Wisdom of Solomon Holy Bible, King James Version
King Solomon, Google image
Proverbs 5:18
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. ~ King James Version
(. . . or middle age, or elder years, perhaps)
Malachi 2:15
Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. ESV
If you collect snippets or other ephemera as I do, where do you store them?
What advice about marriage (or otherwise) can you add to the collection here?
Good morning! A very happy anniversary to you and Cliff. Wishing you many more!
(My whole house is a collection of snippets–so is my brain. ) 🤣
Merril, thank you for the good wishes and for the first chuckle of the day–haha!
I don’t know about your house, but I do know your brain overflows with creativity. 😀
Happy anniversary! My advice is to always say thank you…even for the little things.
Your advice will keep any couple out of the gulch of ingratitude. Thanks for the good wishes, Jill!
Congratulations it is such a blessing to celebrate a marriage. Especially those with many years together. Pablo and I celebrate 35 years tighter 33 years of marriage. I am so blessed to have him. He is a great father to my children and our child together. As a uncle grandfather and great grandchildren, and best friend. The 13th is our date we’re leaving to ceder lake Indiana for the weekend. I pray long marriages for my children. Praying Nikko proposes soon.
My advice is love laugh and argue. In that order and start it over again. Never go to bed mad. What fun to be with the one you love.
Gloria. I feel gratitude in your comment. You are fortunate to have Pablo because you are so compatible together. Yes, we as mothers and grandmothers want the best for our children, including happy marriages. Thanks for chiming in–and for the wise advice too! 🙂
Happy anniversary, Marian! I’m with Merril on the snippets all over my house and inside my brain. My marriage advice is to take time to have fun together.
Great advice: Having fun means we get in touch with our inner child, like we had as kids. Thanks, Liz!
You’re welcome, Marian!
This was a particularly lovely and thpughtful post, Marian. A blogger’s hat trick, so to speak.
I especially loved the idea of bearing witness to each other’s lives. I don’t have a memorabilia stash like yours, but I do have scrapbooks, and I find the clippings and poems almost as inspiring as the photos. Stuart and I just passed the 52 year mark, and I am grateful for everyone of those years, especially the hard ones. Here’s a quote I have shared with many former students on their weddind days: “There is nothing more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.”
― Homer, The Odyssey
Scrapbooks are great because they mix media, almost better than mere snippets. I appreciate your reminding me of the quote from The Odyssey. How wonderful that your students have had a connection to you far beyond the classroom.
And, congratulations on your milestone, another anniversary for you and Stuart. 🙂
Happy anniversary, Marian and Cliff! What a great post! I also store some things in hatboxes and on my computer. I love hatboxes.
Your post reminds me that a good marriage takes effort. I love that you sought advice and keep what you learned in hatboxes.
L. Marie, I’m not surprised that you have hatboxes and use them for storage too! Thanks for your kind words today. 🙂
Ah, the problem of storage of snippets! During Covid time they tended to pile up on the kitchen table, until it got too much for me!! I do have boxes in nether regions, and I’ve been known to finally just do an arm swipe good-bye!! I used to do scrap books but have stopped.
What a surprise to see myself in this blog post, Marian! I found that quote on facebook and thought it was one of the best I’ve seen on the marriage relationship with all its ups and downs! We have been married 53 years now!
Nice picture of you and Cliff!
Congratulations to you and Hardy. You are almost neck and neck with Cliff and me with anniversary milestones. I like the idea of the “arm swipe good-by” for annoying stuff!
I am so grateful for the “Box” image from you. I’ve saved it on my computer desktop for months now, thinking it would be appropriate in early August. Thanks again, Elfrieda! 🙂
Happy Anniversary. I like the advice offered by Saturday Evening Post,1821: “Do thou be wise”. As for my marital advice: “Not everything matters.” This dovetails nicely with the 1821 advice… in other words, pick your battles.
My “Zen-Den” always reads my posts before they publish, and he said I should change the wording from Franklin, but I said, “No, that’s how they talked in formal conversation back then.” In other words, I picked my battle – ha!
It’s true: Not everything matters. It’s okay to let things slide when it’s not worth the energy to push back. Thanks for the sound advice and for checking in today, Ally! 🙂
Happy Anniversary!! I keep my snippets and memorabilia in tote boxes. I love your hat boxes, what a great idea. I believe that laughter is the best medicine for any marriage.
Your “gravatar” photo reminds me that you are usually upbeat. It shows in your books–and in your marriage as well. Indeed, “A merry heart doeth good like medicine”
Thanks, Darlene! 🙂
This is a terrific post, Marian. I love your hat boxes and I would love to have a hat box. I think I will make a cake shaped like a hat box instead. I’ve never seen a hatbox here in SA. Elfrieda’s contribution was also delightful, what a great idea.
Oh, Robbie, I do look forward to your fashioning a hat-box shaped cake. You are the mistress of culinary arts, for sure! 😉
Happy Anniversary! I LOVE the hat boxes and wanted to step through the screen to go through all those snippets!
Dear Clanmother, As you walk through the screen, you are welcome to sift through all of those snippets.
I have enjoyed perusing your website too and appreciate the phrase, “a backward look forward,” which I suppose is what I’m doing today with this post.
Do visit again! 🙂
Marian — I enjoyed reading your advice, especially: “Never take your beloved for granted.”
Len and I will celebrate our 42nd anniversary this coming March. We make a point of taking care of each other’s hearts (our feelings). Part of that includes practicing kindness (whether we feel like it, or not).
When you “take care of each other’s feelings” you never intentionally do the wrong thing, I would think. Yes, practicing kindness doesn’t depend on our feelings. Good advice, Laurie! And best wishes as you and Len pursue joy in nearly 42 years together! 🙂
Congratulations, Marian. I think the key to any relationship, be it personal or professional, is not to take the other person for granted. I think one of the things that works for us is that we enjoy being with each other but we also have our separate lives.
Amen to both of those tips, Pete. Even in retirement, Cliff and I pursue our separate interests: his, still art—and me, writing blog posts and books. We generally come together for some meals and Netflix. 🙂
Happy Anniversary! 💞 Thanks for sharing your hatbox snippets… xoxo
Thanks for the good wishes; I’m glad you enjoyed the post, Bette. 🙂
Happy Anniversary, Marian and Cliff. Lloyd and I have been together for 61 years and married for 58 years. Your parents and Jean were visiting when it was our first date and Jean was checking out Lloyd and your Dad was watching out the window as we went out to Lloyd’s car. My Mother had come home from the hospital and your parents had come to visit. I knew I had to bring Lloyd in to introduce him to them. Lots of happy memories.
How great to see you in this column, cousin Gerry, and thanks for the good wishes. Congratulations to you and Lloyd as well. I’ll have to share this story with Jean and see what she remembers. Marriage was a big deal then. . . and still is. I know our families wanted us to make the right choice the first time.
Thanks so much for sharing this happy memory. 🙂
Now I’m wondering if I should try to find some hatboxes. Never had one! But I do have lots of boxes (too many) of memorabilia. I do like the snippets of marriage advice you offer here. Great post, dear!
These hatboxes are old, old. I’m sure I bought them because they were pretty and good for storage. Though I’ve owned 3-4 hats over the years, I’m sure I never stored a hat in them. Glad you liked the post, Melodie!
Marian, what a unique, creative idea to tangibly preserve those snippets that swirl in my brain and can get lost in the chaos of life. Happy Anniversary to you and Cliff, May you have many more adventures!
Thanks for the good wishes, Kathy. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Maybe we can find time to chat one of these days. 🙂
Such lovely wisdoms in your post Marian thank you. Happy anniversary to you both! I’ve got pretty boxes with precious odds and sods in them. So there’s some sort of order and always a delight when I open them.
I can relate to the delight of opening pretty boxes. And I’m curious about the odds and “sods” in yours. Perhaps a blog post sometime?
Thanks for dropping by with good wishes too, Susan! 🙂
What a lovely post. Happy anniversary to a wonderful loving couple! All of these quotes are so right on. I’d like to send them to “younger” married couples (like those married 7 years, or even 10, or 15) to remind them of what marriage is, and can be. I suppose my hat boxes are our photo albums. I have a zillion – well, at least 40 – and looking through them shows the “habits and history” we have acquired with a deep well of love.
Pam, thank you for the good wishes. I’m bouncing them back to you and your guy as well.
I wonder if your photo albums are physical ones–or digital. When we moved 5 years ago, I brought 21 thick albums, but since them everything has become digital. Not very organized but stored on my desktop and somewhere hazy like “the cloud.” Huge thanks! 🙂
My albums are all “real” as in physical ones. Our son had all the “old” photos that were in the big thick albums, digitalized, and I’m working on creating the thinner (like Snapfish) albums for them. My albums from 2005 on are all the thinner Snapfish albums in which the photos are embedded in the pages. I’ve also made (real) albums out of the phone app CHATBOOKS, which uses photos right from your phone. Probably more info than you needed! 🙂
Not at all. I see Snapfish and CHATBOOKS in my future–when my life slows down, which it won’t. You are luring me to the next level for sure. Thanks for all of this, Pam!
xo
Lovely Post, Marian, and one that is extremely important in this crazy time. The pandemic’s only favor to me was to learn how to slow down and to value my husband’s love. Yes it was rough at times, but we’ve learned new things about each other. Happy Anniversary and here are wishes to many more years ahead.
I’m glad you found marital favor, even in the challenge of the pandemic. It occurs to me again that your Bill is the perfect mate for you, helping to salve the pains of a troubled childhood. I can say the same in our case.
Here’s wishing you more joy and happiness in the years ahead, Joan!
Happy Anniversary to you! Being each other’s witness struck a chord. Just last night my dear hubby and I were reminiscing the magical moments of our courtship. We are especially grateful for each other, having both survived two unhappy marriages. We’ve been married 18 years.
Linda, a warm welcome here! I remember you as a NAMW featured author, and when I checked your website I discovered (again) that you are the author of both adult and children’s books. Yay!
My artist husband and I are collaborating on a children’s book. (Slow starting though.) He illustrated my memoir with colorful drawings, so we do have a track record of working together.
I’m so happy you have discovered harmony together in your marriage. Third’s a charm, as they say. What a story you have to share: Thank you!
Joy and blessings in the years to come. 🙂
Thank you readers and friends of Marian’s blogs for your well-wishes as today, August 5th, we do celebrate our anniversary.
Lots of you readers had great advice for being married. I’m glad the Mennonite young lady that I met on a cold winter’s evening in PA was to be “The One” that would best complement my life for many years to come.
Congratulations and love, my Dear! Maybe I’ll make you a special card and spend 15 hours on it.
Dear, I have a special “box” to store your handmade cards. Thanks to your handiwork, I have been blessed with heart and art many, many times over the years. oxo
Happy Anniversary to you both . Where do all those wonderful , and not so wonderful , years go eh? Like you rightly say long marriages have their ups and downs . It’s 135 years for us this year Whoops ! a misprint there , sorry , I mean 35 years 😁
My sister , Jan , who I have mentioned in your blog many times , goes to a craft group and not one of the ladies there have been married only once 🤭They are stunned that she has . It’s 45 years for her .
Cherryx
Sometimes it feels like 135 years, especially after the Covid year, and I’m not sure it’s over yet (ha!). . . at least not here where we are seeing a resurgence.
Like your sister Jan, my daughter was stunned when she went off to college and found out most of the girls in the dorm had divorced parents. (Yes, I also have a sister Jan!)
Congratulations to you and hubby too, and let’s hope that dear son of yours gets to tie the knot VERY soon. Take care, my dear! oxo
So sweet–and I enjoyed re-reading “A Flash in the Pan.” Vic and I had a wonderful marriage, too. Recently, someone asked me about my feelings and grief and I had to admit, “I’m still married to him.” I talk to him inwardly and sometimes grumble as I take care of the house by myself (overseeng helpers which was once Vic’s job). I’d still rather live here without him than someplace else and I’d still rather have been married to Vic than anyone else in this world.
Falling in love a second time would have been lovely, but any suitors had stiff competition from the start. Congratulations to you and Cliff for sticking through the mostly good and the smaller rough patches and keeping a sense of humor through hard times. Maybe what I miss most about Vic is that he kept me laughing. Love to you and Cliff, dear Marian.
My thoughts chime with yours–exactly! Even if Cliff is the first to go, I believe I will still feel married to him, and I’ll still want to live here in spite of the upkeep. About suitors: At this advanced age, I don’t want any. The thought of starting over makes me groan. I’m glad you still have Vic as a conversational companion even now.
Thanks for the congratulations and the good wishes. You are kind, Elaine.
Congratulations on your 54th wedding anniversary: what a triumph!
I remember your little spat last year, but in the big scheme of things, that’s negligible and perfectly understandable. Here is to many more years of harmonious married life! 🍾🥂
Hi there, Fatima. Thank you for remembering all of this. What’s a spat in 54 years of harmony. Well, it wasn’t all harmonious, let me tell you. 😀
All the best to you and Peter!
As a writer whose last published book was about keeping a marriage strong, I love this post Marian. Lots of good advice, and especially from back in the 1800’s, I was surprised at the Penn quote. So accurate. As for the boxes, lol, I chuckled when I saw them. I too many of those same boxes (now stuffed into my smaller abode), and they carry everything from photos to scarves, to headbands, hats, and more! Congratulations on your beautiful togetherness for over half a decade. Stay blessed. <3
You are back to your old tricks, Debby! Even in heartbreak, you promote and praise others. Thanks for this. . . and for the share too on The Literary Diva’s Library.
My hat boxes are old, old, old. Do you have the very same boxes? They never housed hats, but they do shelter cherished tidbits, which my kids will one day no doubt throw out!
Love back to you! oxo
Lovely, Marian!
Where was that photo (at the bottom) of you and Cliff taken? You two know how to survive 24/7 together, even during lockdown. I read about that one episode in the early days of the pandemic – it truly is benign compared to the usual quarrels in so many relationships, including my own. Every couple deals with their own situations in their own ways. You two have been together so long that you seem genuinely in sync. It’s something to cherish and be proud of. Fifty-fine years. Amazing!
I think not taking your partner for granted is a good one and something we should remind ourselves often. I like the “thank you” suggestion of Jill. That’s something I learned when I met Mark and we are still doing this, seventeen years later.
I remember when my parents first traveled with us (in the US)… My mom took me aside (or not even as she is pretty “blunt”, like me) and said “Why do you always say ‘thank you’ to Mark, even for the smallest things?” Well, she influenced and changed me a lot over the years, but not when it comes to being appreciative. Even in Belgium this last visit, she ordered me to stop saying “thank you” for everything she did and provided! Haha. Nope.
I find communication, respect, and compassion important in marriage.
I like all of your tips, especially the “Don’t take each other for granted” one. Your mom sounds a tad old-school to me, like my parents. Persisting with the pleasantries is a good habit though, I think.
About the photo: It was taken at The Cove, a conference center in the Smoky Mountains east of Asheville, NC. probably 3 years ago. What I remember beyond a stranger taking our photo was a hummingbird moth that was twittering in a bush nearby. The things we remember–ha! 🙂
Happy belated anniversary to you and Ciff Marian, and a lovely photograph.. many true words about marriage and the memories created over the years are the greatest gift of all…hugsx
A Literary Diva (aka Debby Gies) directed you here, and you are kind to follow. Yes, the memories, so important. As writers, you and I are good at recording them. Thanks for the visit, Sally!
What a beautiful post. I waited until I had time to sit down and really enjoy it. I keep “snippets” in a book. I write some entries, and I store others in a pocket in the back.
We are approaching our 32nd anniversary, and I would say, expect the surface irritations and know that it’s okay to feel irked by the day-to-day sometimes, but always remember the deep well of “cherish” that underlies the relationship.
I’m honored that you have taken time to savor this. Thanks for your comments about snippets and also about the snags. Right now I’m feeling irritated at my husband–nothing specific–just chafing from too much time together, I guess. We are in experiencing another wave of Covid these days, I guess brought on by the variant.
But you are right: Underneath it all is a deep well of CHERISH. Congratulations on your “almost” 32nd anniversary, Arlene!
Happy Anniversary to you both…such a lovely post, Marian…I made boxes and gave all my chidren one each when we moved here inside was all their school bits and bobs, certificates , drawings, photos all their childhood mementoes I had kept starting with the hospital tags when they were born…they were overjoyed with them and still refer back to them even now and mention their boxes…I have lots of photos etc but a marriage box I never thought of doing one…maybe I will its such a lovely idea _:)
Boxes for Children is a super idea. Just saving the snippets shows your children how much you value them. Then, handing the boxes off to them gives them the pleasure of reminiscing now and spares them the pain of curating stuff nilly-willy when you are gone. Ha!
Thanks for sharing this lovely tradition and for the good wishes as well, Carol!
Thank you, Marian my reasoning was a little more basic I didn’t want to cart all those boxes around world with me but yes it was twofold as they wouldn’t have to sort it when I was gone…a..Ha! x
Smart move, Carol! I did the same thing with the photo albums I had made individually for each grandchild. I think we are on the same page on this. Again, thanks! 🙂