August 5, 1967: How I Learned What it Means to Obey
The summer Cliff and I got married I served as a secretary in the office of Pastor Deane Ballard at Calvary Presbyterian Church. As our wedding day approached, I got to choose the wording of our marriage vows. Sitting behind a manual typewriter with a carriage return and typing words imprinted by a blue ribbon, I made sure that the word “obey” appeared no where in my vow to my husband. The word seemed antiquated and incompatible with my beliefs at the time.
The text of the Marriage Service reads in part:
Marian, in taking the man who holds you by the right hand to be your lawful and wedded husband, do you promise to love and cherish him, to honor and sustain him, in sickness as in health, in poverty as in wealth, in the bad that may darken your days, in the good that may light your way, and to be true to him in all things until death alone shall part you.
Why would I need to promise to obey my husband? I believed ours was a marriage of equals, sharing values and goals, involving compromise and negotiation when necessary. I don’t think I’m alone in having an aversion to the word “obey” in marriage vows, a word that has become almost obsolete in the text of modern wedding ceremonies.
Author Elizabeth Sherrill would agree with me. Married to John Sherrill in1947, she discusses the secret of her long marriage of seventy years, one that has benefitted from an insight from a monk at a retreat in 1965. According to “Tib” Sherrill, the monk explained that the Latin word for hearing is audire, the root of our English word obedience. Thus, to obey God is to hear Him.
Aha!
In that sense, the word obey doesn’t mean imposing one person’s will on another. Perhaps it has a deeper, truer, meaning. What if “love, honor, and hear” were the best promises any bride could make to her husband.” It boils down to this: “Can I really listen to my mate?”
I agree with Tib that our own fears, assumptions and expectations sometimes drown out the voice of the person in front of us, be it husband or wife. And those needs and expectations change over time: “The person across the table today is not the [same] one we married” years ago, Tib says.
I’m certainly not the same person either: the naïve bride of 58 years ago.
Indeed, hearing, really hearing, is not easy. In fact, it is very hard—adjusting to the person Cliff now is, keeping my ears attuned to my husband who has evolved since our wedding day on August 5,1967. Love, cherish, and honor: those I can do. And if “hearing,” both spoken and unspoken language, is part of the package, I can aspire to do that too!
(Credit: Elizabeth Sherrill, “The Secret to Sixty Years,” Guideposts June/July 2025)
Jay Leno on Marriage
TV host and comedian Jay Leno, known for his prominent jawline and fetish for vintage cars, has been married to Mavis Leno since 1980. Unlike many personalities in entertainment, he has been married only once, and his wife of forty-five years suffers from dementia.
On the TODAY show, he explained his thoughts on choosing a mate: “Marry the person who has the qualities you wish you had. But it’s not just about finding someone grounded,” he added. “Here’s the secret: You marry your conscience … You marry the person you wish you could be. That’s what I did.”
On WMUR-TV, Leno elaborated, “When you get married, you sort of take a vow: ‘Will I live up to this?’”
Jay Leno opens up about how much he enjoys caring for his wife as she lives with dementia. Then he backtracks a little, “Well, I don’t really enjoy it,” but I want to be the one to care for Mavis as long as I can.
How We Live Now
These days we live in a single-family home in a neighborhood of all ages: couples with young children, single folks, and retirees. We jokingly say, “We have an assisted-living arrangement.” It takes both of us to navigate household chores, make meals, manage business affairs, and take care of the lawn (with son’s or grandson’s help) and patio plants, and—if you read my post in early-July—outwit the squirrels who try to grab snacks at our bird-feeder.
Cliff and Marian, 2023
Where to Find More Marriage Stories
My second memoir, My Checkered Life
Link to last year’s anniversary post, which includes a Heinz 57 jar and a 1957 Chevrolet
Mennonite Daughter: The Story of a Plain Girl is now available via Audible
For Immediate Access, Click on following link: Mennonite Daughter: The Story of a Plain Girl
Your Turn
I was surprised to find marriage advice from Jay Leno recently. Have you ever discovered advice from an unlikely source?
Your stories about the peaks and valleys of marriage, or any other relationship, are welcome here.
Hitherto hath the Lord helped [me].
1 Samuel 7:12 King James Version
Good morning, Marian! What a lovely post this is! I agree that “obey” has no place in marriage vows, but promising “to hear” your spouse is a something we should all want to do and strive to do.
It’s wonderful that you and Cliff found each other. 💙
Thank you for starting off the morning with this. I say, “It’s wonderful that you and Doug found each other and also have a long, happy history.: 😀
You’re welcome, Marian!
And thank you. 💙
And happy anniversary!
Thank you!
😊
Happy 58th Anniversary, Marian and Cliff! Wonderful! And what lovely advice from Jay Leno. The longevity in marriage is a great model for young people. So many seem to fear marriage. But your example and Jay’s show that a good marriage is possible.
Thanks for the good wishes, L. Marie! Jay Leno’s advise was new to me–also surprising. 😀
Congratulations Marian. Did you do something special to celebrate?
Diane
Thank you, Diane. Yes, yesterday we went to Seasons 52 for lunch and had good food and great service. Afterwards, our daughter and grand-daughter came over for a visit. 😀
Congratulations on 58 years of marriage. That is no mean feat! I read that about Jay Leno and thought it was commendable. Years ago many women got caught up in the obey part of the marriage contact and suffered from it, some even died. I’m glad it is no longer part of the ceremony. Listening to each other is key as is open communication and laughter. Enjoy your day!!
Thank you, Darlene! I did not know Jay Leno’s story until recently: nice to hear. I believe you and Paul have been married a long time too, also commendable! 😀
Thanks, Marian. We’ve been married for 48 years. 😀
CONGRATULATIONS!
Great photograph!!
Was it done professionally by Joel??
Thanks so much, sister! We think the photo was taken in a restaurant, probably by a server, based on what we were wearing. 😀
Congratulations to you both! And many more to come, I hope.
Obey? What does that even mean?
Thank you, Fatima. I can tell Peter doesn’t hold an “Obey” sign over your head, forcing you to do what he says. 😀
I’m just rereading a book by Walter Trobisch called “I Loved a Girl” which is a correspondence between two young Africans and their pastor. I found it while cleaning out Hardy’s bookshelf. It is so good! Practical and sound advice! Hardy and I read it together when we were engaged.
I looked up Trobisch and discovered that he is a prolific writer. It appears he even co-authored a book with his wife. Thanks for the tip and for the reminder what a good and thoughtful man Hardy has been. Thank you, Elfrieda! 😀
I wouldn’t want to be with a woman who felt she had to obey me. You’re right, Marian. That is a very antiquated notion, one that fails to recognize a couple as equals. One of my regular jokes is I’m married to my better 3/4. 🤣
My wife and I have been married a mere 39 years, so we’ve got something to shoot for. 😊
Pete, 39 years is nothing to sneeze at. One year after the other: As long as you stay married, you’ll make it to 40 and beyond.
“I’m married to my better 3/4” — I love that!
Your posts are very interesting to me, Marian. I’ve never really thought about marriage like this. I do know both parties change over time. My husband has changed quite a lot since his stroke in early 2023. Sometimes I feel like I’m living with a half a person during the week. Work saps his everything now.
Robbie, I’m sorry to hear about the effects of your husband’s stroke. Maybe the weekends may be a good time to do something together–when he might have more energy.
I’m glad you enjoy my posts: Thank you! 😀
I really enjoyed reading this insightful essay about marriage. Words to live by (or aspire to).
I know your husband is thoughtful and caring. The fact that he drives you to places you want to film attests to that! I think every day I have to aspire to “listen.” It’s never a one-and-done type of thing as you know. Thanks, Liz!
You’re welcome, Marian!
Happy anniversary Marian and Cliff! I couldn’t agreement more about “obey.” It was quite interesting to learn that the root word “audire” is connected to the words obedience and significantly, hearing. Hearing is really a meaningful vow; it makes all the sense in the world.
And for Jay Leno, you may remember his face caught on fire (I think from one of his cars) and he had to rush through medical attention to get home to Mavis because “she wouldn’t understand where he was.” That devotion touched me. Thanks for an interesting read. 😊
You know a thing or two about marriage as I’ve learned from your blog. Melanie. And thanks so much for adding the anecdote about Jay and Mavis. That’s impressive devotion! 😀
Congratulations Marian for your persistence in sharing thoughts and themes about ALL kind of things with your writer friends. It has truly been a joy (wink) to live with you these 58 years. We have our see/saw moments every so often but we are always on the same amusement ride! I fell in love with you during Christmas in 1965 and love you now as well. I believe we push each other to higher goals together, for not just ourselves but to others around. Happy 58th and beyond!
Dear, I saw the wink and understand it has taken loads of forebearance on both of our parts in make our marriage work. Seesaw is a good image for this effort. You have pushed me to get a graduate degree and encouraged my writing endeavors, supplying extraordinary artwork. 😀
OBEY! Ha, no we definitely did not include these words in our wedding vows 41 years ago. In fact, we married in a beautiful old chapel in hills overlooking the SF Bay, and our pastor encouraged us to create our own vows. (If I remember correctly, the husband’s vows in the old marriage service text didn’t include the word obey.) But “HEAR,” oh yes, what a wonderful word to include in marriage vows. To HEAR the other and respect the thoughts/dreams/wishes of our mate. A great way to enjoy a lasting marriage. We had a 25-year renewal of vows and the same pastor officiated – at the same little chapel. Very meaningful.
Many, many congrats to you and Cliff on your beautiful 58-year marriage. I have loved reading Jay Leno’s comments about marriage and his commitment to his wife in several places, as well as here. That’s what “in health and in sickness” mean in our vows. That phrase should always be included. <3
How I love this: “We had a 25-year renewal of vows and the same pastor officiated – at the same little chapel. Very meaningful.”
Happy marriages are special–and very rare. Thanks too for your nod to Jay Leno’s valiant efforts to honor and care for his devoted wife, now afflicted with dementia.
All best to you and your hubby! 😀
<3
Congrats on 58 years of marriage, Marian we are only at 45 years and I agree about the “obey” which has been removed from UK wedding vows …it was lovely to read about Jay Leno’s devotion to his wife now she needs care….
https://media2.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExYmljNmE2NG90dmE3a256eDhqbG1taWE4cndpejdtMHhsNnJrNWZ0dCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/hol3WeKl16BONzcpCT/giphy.gif
Thanks for the good wishes and the cute giphy! “Only” 45 years is not small feat, so congratulations to you as well, Carol! 😀
I’m so glad for the gift you and your love have had in this life. Vic died in 2008 and the most surprising thing is I still feel as married to him as ever. He still visits in dreams sometimes, but more often in inner sacred conversation. The Vic within still gives me sensible advice. Congratulations to you and Cliff–and Vic and I also skipped the “obey” part of the vows.
This is interesting, surprising– and wonderful: “I still feel as married to him as ever. He still visits in dreams sometimes, but more often in inner sacred conversation.” Obviously, Vic was your one and only. I am certain, if I lost Cliff I would never want to remarry. Thanks for sharing here, Elaine! 😀
What a fun post Marian. I loved that you discussed the ‘obey’ part. I married my husband because he made me laugh, and he was my grounding stone. Happy Anniversary and wishing you many more. 🧡
Thank for replying here in this season of loss. Brave, I’d say.
I like that you say “I married my husband because he made me laugh, and he was my grounding stone.”
Huge hugs, Debby! 😀
Hi Marian,
I love that photo of you and Cliff. Happy anniversary! You two have been together for a very healthy and mature time and you continuously seem happy with that arrangement. Well done, you two! I think we all grow – older, wiser, and more compatible. There are valleys and there are peaks in every marriage. For us, the downs usually have to do with our lifestyle and how moody or exhausted it makes us. That’s when we have less tolerance for each other.
Through my blog and books, you have had a ring-side seat on the “drama” of my life (or lack of it), so I think you are highly qualified to evaluate our marriage. I admire you and Mark for managing the challenges of living together 24/7 on the road. Now I’m wondering how long you plan to travel in South America before you take a break.
As always, thanks for checking in here, Liesbet. 😀
We are ready for a break as I write this, Marian, but it’s not quite possible yet. We have put our camper up for sale and will soon start making plans around that and the next adventure. 🙂
Oh, something new? Thanks for the update! 😀
Congratulations on your 58th anniversary, Marian! No, I didn’t think “obey” fits into the marriage. I know that’s the word used in the Bible, but we live in a different time. In the old time, husbands were responsible for everything, but in the modern days, both husband and wife share the responsibilities. My husband respects my decisions so I’m responsible to make plans sith his inputs.
You are a lucky woman too, Miriam! Thanks for checking in today. 😀
Well, Marian, my ex married me because he thought Chinese women “obey” husband. I gave him 10 years to change his mind but he didn’t.
I’m now happy with my dear hubby of 29 years (on Tuesday) because he respects me. I’m a lucky woman with him. 🙂
So very happy to hear this, Miriam, and happy anniversary! 🙂